tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16852504032137806902024-03-14T06:54:49.174-07:00View from the CouchA collection of musings and writings on my life, my loves, my movies, my friends, my family. My view - from my couch.KC McAuleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02724999086346230806noreply@blogger.comBlogger147125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1685250403213780690.post-76530752233700438552019-11-04T11:30:00.001-08:002019-11-04T11:30:08.530-08:00If you find yourself in the dark, all you can do is sit until your eyes adjust to the blackness. I don't know who said that, but I sure do feel that way these days.<br />
<br />
Here's a little bit about me. I was the seventh child born to my mother and father - and the last. I was 7 years younger than the youngest and 19 years younger than the eldest. My mother, who grew up in a family of actors, had started a little theatre group in our home town and after being away from it for so many years, she wasn't about to give it up again. So I grew up in the theatre. Played in make-up rooms and costume shops. Learned how to read by helping actors study lines. Learned how to build and paint by helping my dad build sets. And I loved all of it.<br />
<br />
I loved the stories and the people and the way everyone came together to express ideas. I still love it. It's why I studied theatre in college and why I pursued an MFA. Nothing gives me as much pleasure as taking words from a page and giving them life. It gives me life.<br />
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Another thing about me...I'm a survivor of sexual abuse and harassment. I don't talk about it because I don't let it define me. I'm not a victim - I survived, and what is more, I learned so much about myself and those around me. It is a part of who I am today and I like that person very much.<br />
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A few years ago, I became aware of a project started by Eve Ensler, the playwright and creator of THE VAGINA MONOLOGUES. When Eve was performing her monologues, she was amazed at the women who would write to her or approach her and tell her their stories, their monologues and their experiences with sexual and domestic abuse. She decided to do something about it. She started the V-Day Foundation. Every February across the country and around the world, productions of THE VAGINA MONOLOGUES are presented as fund raisers for local organizations whose purpose is the aid and assist women and children who have been abused and battered. <br />
<br />
The presenters don't have to pay royalties on the production, which can be one of the largest charges in theatrical productions. All they have to do is be sponsored by and donate whatever they raise to local nonprofits. <br />
<br />
My dearest passion married to a cause very near and dear to me. A match made here on earth and a chance to make a difference. But it was not to be.<br />
<br />
For two years, I have tried to mount a production in my community and both times have been met with indifference or lack of commitment and follow-thru to the point where I have to let this dream go and move on. <br />
<br />
Do I think no one cares about domestic and sexual violence? Of course not. It's just that there is so much wrong in our world and there are so many worthy causes asking for our time, our money, our commitment. It is not my time. This is not mine to do. As dearly as I long to and wish to make it so. <br />
<br />
And so I ask the universe, with all humility and gratitude, where is my place and what is my task? I'm ready to receive my guidance.KC McAuleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02724999086346230806noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1685250403213780690.post-29016894933398491902018-05-05T11:19:00.002-07:002018-05-05T11:20:40.566-07:00THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING HUMANI couldn't sleep last night. Not an unusual thing these days. There's a lot on my mind. But last night I was thinking about social media and how it has changed our world. How it changed my world.<br />
<br />
About 25 years ago, I was working on my thesis in grad school. We had a Mac in our home which was not uncommon, but certainly not as common as it is today. I was introduced to the academic world via Bulletin Boards, User Groups, and the ever popular ListServ. For those of you too young to know, these were email lists you subscribed to and every day you would get individual emails from people on the list discussing whatever it was you wanted to discuss. There were listservs for science and research, literature, children, whatever you loved so much you wanted to talk about it with complete strangers. My choice was movies.<br />
<br />
I love movies. I've loved them my whole life. I would sneak out of my bed and watch the late show on weekends. I went to the matinee every Saturday. I begged my parents to take me with them when they went out. In college, I went to the local cinema that showed double feature of all the movies I'd read about and never seen. My best friend worked for the museum film center and got me in to the film festivals and foreign films. We went to midnight showings of cult films.<br />
<br />
Then when I was a young parent, my husband and I bought a VCR. My daughter and I were regulars at the local video store, multiple visits every week. Then there was cable - AMC and Turner Classic Movies. It was like I'd died and gone to heaven.<br />
<br />
Enter Cin-L, a listserv for movie lovers of all shapes and sizes. It didn't take long for me to find the few members whose emails were the ones to read first, which ones were keepers, which ones I could skip right over. Slowly, a group of us emerged from the mob. We were serious about our movie love. We wanted to talk about everything in the movie. The directing, the script, the art direction, the sound. Our serious discussions were being drowned out by the masses. So we broke off into our own groups.<br />
<br />
Over time, this group became my tribe - my family of choice. And like any family, we had our fights and our disagreements. People left, new people came in. Yet we held together. We celebrated marriages and children. We encouraged one another and cheered the new job, the achievements, the new house. We mourned with each other when loss happened - death, divorce, illness. Our bond of celluloid became a web of threads around the world. I've had the pleasure to meet many of these people in real life - IRL. They are dear friends to me, but those I have never meet are no less dear to me.<br />
<br />
When the listserv began to go the way of the dinosaur, we moved our group on to Facebook. Most of were a presence on there anyway and were 'friends' with each other. It's one of 4 groups I belong to on Facebook. I treasure these friends and cannot imagine my life without them.<br />
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Lately, some of my friends have been leaving Facebook, concerned over privacy issues and whatnot. But I'm still here. I've rediscovered so many people I thought I had lost forever. I've made friends who make my life richer and fuller.<br />
<br />
I didn't go on Facebook to gather "likes" or "friends". I didn't go looking for love or validation. I just went to see what I could learn. And what I found was humanity. People who, just like me, are looking for what else is possible. People who delight in achievements of their fellow human beings and mourn when humanity's cruel face is revealed.<br />
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My friends are more than clicks on a screen; they are part of my DNA. They are as much a part of my day as breathing, eating, sleeping. <br />
<br />
And so my friends, if you find you must move on from Facebook, I'll be here if you ever want to come back. Or if you find a better place for us to gather, please don't forget to ask me to join you. You're a part of me now and forever.<br />
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I love you - you beautiful, remarkable, human, being.<br />
<br />
ps - and don't forget the cat videos. Must have the cats. <br />
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<br />KC McAuleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02724999086346230806noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1685250403213780690.post-41562324403476744772016-09-01T13:36:00.003-07:002016-09-01T13:36:20.205-07:00TOUCH<br />
<div>
<div>
I
spend a fair amount of time, 2-3 hours, every day walking and sitting
alongside total strangers. One of thousands of us - working people who
commute from the outlying areas of Boston into it through various
means. Trains, buses, cabs, carpools. And we all bring our stuff with
us. Backpacks filled with laptops, books, notepads, shoes, lunches,
whatever we feel we need to have with us to get us through the next 8 to
10 hours. <br />I've been noticing because I have to buy a new purse.
This is something that fills me with fear. It sounds ridiculous, I know,
but women judge other women they see (not necessarily women they know)
by two visible accessories, shoes and purses. They can tell you so much
about a woman Is she practical or exotic? Is she struggling to pay her
bills or one of the lucky ones who doesn't even look at a price tag?
Does she walk a long way or just strolling from her car to her office?
Is she fashion conscious or does she wear what she likes without regard
to fashion? For example, I wear trek sandals when I'm walking on my
commute. Practical, comfortable, but relatively high price tag. They
will last more than one summer and my feet will be relatively free of
calculus and bunions. This you can tell because I get regular pedicures
and my nails always look clean and neat. My feet tell you that I care
about my comfort and that I walk a great deal. I can afford fashionable
shoes, but I'm more concerned about the health of my feet than fashion,
at least with my fellow commuters. I carry a large satchel and a lunch
bag. It's not a designer brand so that tells you that I have to be
careful with my money and I probably prefer to spend my money on
experiences than things. But my things are clean, neat and of good
quality. I want them to last. The size of my purse means I can carry my
essentials, wallet, keys, phone, access badge, and my comforts, kindle,
sweater and possibly a pair of shoes. Most of us working women have a
shoe collection under our desk at work. It's just easier; </div>
So
here I am, practical, middle income, middle aged. On the train I sit
where I won't impede someone's comfort or exit from the train. In the
morning, I try for a window seat so I can sit there when we reach
Boston, until the train is nearly empty. Then I can start on my way
without holding up someone who is in a rush, running to be absorbed in
the crowd. I try to stay back, so I can walk at my own pace, behind the
pack, watching the variety of backpacks and bags, sweaters and coats,
boots and shoes that march in front of me. Going home, if I'm on the
aisle, I try to be learn if the person on the inside of the seat is
getting off before or after me. Again, try to simplify the process.
Salem is often the first stop, so I don't worry about it too much. </div>
<div>
Sometimes,
I have to join the throng. I don't get a seat where I can hold back
and wait for my moment. I have to move so that others can move. Have
to join the press for the door, the crosswalk, the walkway. In these
closer places, I see things that make me want to touch someone. A stray
thread, a bit of pet hair, a tag sticking out of the neckline. I just
want to touch them and say - "I see you. You are a human being. And I
think you'll appreciate this gesture." I don't do it. I don't invade
the space - impossible, invisible barrier we erect around ourselves. </div>
But
I long for someone to break the barrier. For just a touch. To
know...I"m still alive, still human, still inside here somewhere. Just a
touch. KC McAuleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02724999086346230806noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1685250403213780690.post-36732116003090218352013-10-01T10:59:00.000-07:002013-10-01T10:59:46.729-07:00Birthday Bliss?Today is my birthday. Today, I am 54 years old. I didn't expect to see this day. I didn't expect to live this long. You see, 10 years ago, on my 44th birthday, I was going to end my life.<br />
<br />
I was lost. Lost to myself. Lost to my sense of purpose. Lost to joy and love and all the things that make a life worthwhile. Lost. But something else happened. Something amazing. Call it an angel. Call it grace. Call is spirit, coincidence, synchronicity. Call it bullshit. <br />
<br />
The universe wasn't through with me and so I didn't die.<br />
<br />
The past 10 years have not been easy. It has not been all roses and sunshine and waking up every day ready to seize life and live it to the fullest. Many days were dark and lonely and locked me in some super ninja nasty hold that slapped me around and knocked me on my ass. But I learned from those days. I am a better me because of them. And I have more good days than bad days now.<br />
<br />
The past 10 years have had loss - death - mourning; of dreams, of hope, of love. There have been changes great and small. And there have been gifts, blessings, moments of bliss beyond my imagination. And so today I think...I would have missed so much!<br />
<br />
I would never have had the opportunity to meet and get to know so many amazing people, both in virtual and in real life. That would have been a real loss, because these people add to the richness of my life every day and I love them so very much.<br />
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I would have missed knowing the amazing woman my daughter has become. And my wonderful grandchildren who bring me such joy. And my nieces and nephews and my great nieces and nephews. And I would not have known what cool and smart and wonderful people my siblings are.<br />
<br />
I would not have had my heart broken. I would not have experienced and survived the most horrible thing a woman can have happen to them - my rape. I would not have learned how strong I am. How capable I am. How smart and funny I am. How loving and passionate I am. How human I am.<br />
<br />
And so today - I am alive. I am grateful. And I am overwhelmed by the love and kindness that have been showered on me. I'm so glad I decided to stick around and fight for me. Myself. I.<br />
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I can't wait to see what the next 10 years will bring me.KC McAuleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02724999086346230806noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1685250403213780690.post-85786577254558019752012-04-08T09:34:00.001-07:002012-04-09T13:50:22.771-07:00A Good Man<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhTUo2BAnPil2OMQeQhQ8E90tGbsrRsVnHXKbWUxt8XfLBjZgrMVKXPP8Hw1hWMeFzxkc2M31s0Z4WrdNjmYKtjRhMMdtRIwrQ_u_jFJS_wB85pso2wrPe0Qyzqbo_pbhOP3Ki0RHGPJvP/s1600/daddy+and+shadow.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhTUo2BAnPil2OMQeQhQ8E90tGbsrRsVnHXKbWUxt8XfLBjZgrMVKXPP8Hw1hWMeFzxkc2M31s0Z4WrdNjmYKtjRhMMdtRIwrQ_u_jFJS_wB85pso2wrPe0Qyzqbo_pbhOP3Ki0RHGPJvP/s320/daddy+and+shadow.jpg" width="311" /></a></div><div style="text-align: left;">Roger M Watt - April 8, 1914 - March 27, 1981<br />
<br />
My father was a good man. He was born in Oklahoma 98 years ago today. He grew up during the First World War and the economic boom of the 20s. When the bust happened, he moved to Los Angeles with his family. In 1934, he met my mother at a Halloween Party. He was 20, she was 15, and he was in love for life. The raven haired, dark eyed beauty won his heart and his devotion. When my mother became bedridden with tuberculosis, he visited her every day, bringing her books from the library and news of the world. They married on Father's Day in 1939. <br />
During the final years of the Second World War, my father was drafted into military service and left my mother with her parents - pregnant with their third child and my brother Jim and sister Judie. He contracted malaria in the Philippines and spent most of his service in a hospital in Hawaii. <br />
On March 27, 1946 my parents and their three children moved to Grants Pass, Oregon. This is where I was born, the youngest of their seven children, where we would all grow up and go to school and church, stay or leave or come back again. <br />
I was living in Portland when my father died. It should have been one of the happiest times in my life. I was loving school. I was young and beautiful. I was a featured performer in a new play. I was 21 years old and my heart was broken.<br />
Even after all these years, it's hard for me to put into words what my father means to me. He loved me unconditionally. He loved everyone unconditionally. He believed in service to his fellow man. He was devoted to my mother and to each of his children. He would rather lay on the floor surrounded by small children than have a serious philosophical discussion. I never heard him say a bad word about anyone - save Richard Nixon. He loved auto racing, football, and ABC's Wide World of Sports. <br />
As a little girl, I remember climbing up into his lap as he watched the evening news and leaning my head against his chest. I felt safe and loved and happy. Saturday afternoons meant going with him up to the church to prepare everything for the coming service day. I loved slipping my hand into his and walking through the empty church, knowing God was there watching us. <br />
I still remember how full that church was on the day I had to say good-bye. So many people were touched by his simple life. Everyone cried. People came up to my mother weeping and wondering how they were going to get by without him. <br />
I know he's still with me, still with us. I hear a certain honest laughter and he's there. I hear a man jingling the change in his pocket and he's there. Someone calls out "Grandpa" and runs to receive a big hug and he's there. I slip my hand into his and walk through the streets of my day and know that he's there. <br />
Rod Watt was a good man. He wasn't rich or powerful or heroic - except he was. Rich in friends and family, powerful in love and compassion, heroic in giving everything for anyone less fortunate than he. I miss him every single day. I love you Daddy. </div>KC McAuleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02724999086346230806noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1685250403213780690.post-35087105228902420722012-02-03T10:45:00.000-08:002012-02-03T10:45:58.888-08:00There Be DragonsSo we're one month in to 2012 and it's been kind of rough. The election mudslinging has started early. Long term relationships between non-profit organizations are threatened by political machinations. Major companies pretend to support one lifestyle, cave when threatened by a PAC, then switch again when public opinion cows them. It's going to be a long year. I can see lots of unpopular ideas being promulgated and lots of "facts" being tossed around to prove one side or the other as right/wrong - good/bad. And so I thought I'd make my position known and just refer anyone who wants to drag me into their battle to this post for the next several months.<br />
Like Martin Luther King Jr., "I have the audacity to believe that peoples everywhere can have three meals a day for their bodies, education and culture for their minds, and dignity, equality and freedom for their spirits. I believe that what self-centered men have torn down men other-centered can build up." I was raised to believe that all people deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. That unless I am willing to walk in another person's shoes, I have no business telling them what they should or shouldn't do, be or shouldn't be, have or shouldn't have. I was taught that education and culture are key to building dignity, equality and freedom. I was taught to vote with my heart AND my mind, to listen to others argument and position when it is done with respect and honor and willingness to listen to mine. I was taught to be willing to compromise when the good of all was more important that what was good for me. I was taught to build up others, to believe of them what they may not believe of themselves. And to show what is possible when people are willing to let go of the past, let go of the pain and look toward a better tomorrow. <br />
And so, let me clear about this. I will not take part in any movement or campaign that has at its core the stripping of rights from ANYONE, the tearing down of ANYONE, the vanity and self centered nature of ANYONE. I will not vote for someone because he or she is the lesser of two evils. I will commit to looking beyond the sound bites, the advertising, the PACs, the money being thrown at me to convince me of a position that I know in my soul to be self serving, petty minded, ignorant and designed to tear down the very heart of a country and a people I know can do better. I know can be better. I know ARE better.<br />
I will not listen to arguments that young people are lazy, apathetic and self seeking. I know many, many young people and every one of them is committed to their education, their future, their family, their country. In spite of the difficulty they are facing in finding work, finding homes, finding comfort, they believe in their ability to change things for the better. <br />
I will not listen to arguments that retirees are bleeding the country dry because they failed to plan for old age and long term medical care. I watched my mother go from a house that she owned out-right, to apartment after apartment, to assisted living, finally to foster care - at one point having to give away every last dime she had in order to qualify for Medicare to pay for her care. There has to be a way to allow our citizenry to age with dignity and grace and give back to us from their years of living and wisdom - not to be discarded and forgotten. <br />
I will not listen to arguments that say someone is not entitled to love another, to marry another, to raise a family because they are gay, straight, poor, rich, native or immigrant. I will not listen to any argument that places one human being above another. This is a deeply held core belief for me and I will not allow it to be violated. All beings deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. Love one another is the core belief of every faith. And I can love you even if I don't understand why you are where you are on the path. All I ask is that you grant me the same - love me even if you don't understand my path. Until you walk it - you cannot know it. <br />
Our system is broken. Our country is broken. Out of our brokenness can come so much good - but only if we are willing to work together. We must stop yelling at each other and begin to listen. With our hearts and with our heads. Love. Just love. Love One Another.KC McAuleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02724999086346230806noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1685250403213780690.post-1372991830158008042011-11-18T14:54:00.000-08:002012-01-11T13:14:10.446-08:00Movie Madness - MELANCHOLIAFrom the opening moments of Lars VonTrier's latest film MELANCHOLIA (2011), I was hooked. The exquisite extreme slow motion movement is beautifully orchestrated by Wagner's <i>Prelude to Tristan and Isolde</i>. We see a bride moving as roots tear at her feet, a mother clutching a child, a horse laying down all as two planets come hurtling toward one another to the inevitable end - the consumption of one planet by another. It's only later that we learn the larger planet is Melancholia and it is headed toward Earth; because after this beautiful prologue we are thrust into the marriage of Justine (Kirsten Dunst) and Michael (Alexander Skarsgard)*. Justine and Michael are late for the very elaborate reception being hosted by Justine's sister Claire (Charlotte Gainsbourg) and her husband John (Kiefer Sutherland). As the evening rolls on, it's clear that Claire is hanging on by the thinnest of threads and Claire and John are frustrated by her reluctance to put on a good show for everyone. <br />
<br />
When Justine becomes aware that there's clearly something wrong with this planet hurling through space, things do indeed unravel, but not as one might expect. Justine seems relieved that things will be ending and her pain of living can be over as well. Claire and John are willing to accept the predictions of science that Melancholia will just pass by Earth and it will be a terrifyingly beautiful happening. The more likely the end appears, the more they unravel. To most, melancholy is a thing that passes briefly and fills one with gratitude that all the days are not thus. To those of us, and I count myself among those, who have experienced true melancholy know that it is the pain of trying to be free of it and act like everything is fine that is the most awful thing. The struggle to be heard and seen and experienced, the need to have our special vision acknowledged and respected are more painful than the pain of being swallowed up. <br />
<br />
With VonTrier, one is always better off to let go of the reason why and give over to the experience of his films. There's message here, to be sure. But it is the beautiful way in which he presents the end of the world that gives the message its true impact. MELANCHOLIA is a beautiful thing indeed. A top notch cast lead with powerful performances from Dunst and Gainsbourg and stunning visuals make this melancholy a thing to be experienced. Brief appearances from John Hurt, Charlotte Rampling, Stellan Skarsgard and the wonderful comic relief of Udo Kier as the wedding planner make this a good solid film. Let go and let it wash over you. <br />
In theaters now - but also On Demand with major cable providers. If you have a good home system, you can save yourself a few dollars. <br />
*in a tux...can I just say "Yummy."KC McAuleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02724999086346230806noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1685250403213780690.post-48342240371128321962011-09-21T08:54:00.000-07:002011-09-21T08:54:54.263-07:00I may have to move to Massachusetts<a href="http://blog.videosift.com/video/No-One-in-this-Country-Got-Rich-on-His-Own">Elizabeth Warren</a><br />
<br />
So remember how I was ranting about how everyone needs to do their part or this country isn't going to be better. Elizabeth Warren, who was bashed in her Senate hearings and is now running to oust Scott Brown from his seat in Massachusetts, summed it up beautifully for me. <br />
<br />
My favorite part is "But part of the underlying social contract is you take a hunk of that and pay forward for the next kid who comes along." That's what I think this country has lost sight of. It's a social contract that we agree to in how things will be done here. The past few decades have been full of finger pointing and blame and not a lot of agreement.<br />
<br />
I just don't think that things will get better until we all agree to - well - as I like to say...put on the big girl pants and get to work. I may not like EVERY decision, but if I can see that your position is for the greater good of the country, I can agree to work for it. The ME generation has to grow up now and realize that it's a WE that makes this place a great place to live and work and raise a family. So let's work together. And support more people like Elizabeth Warren who are willing to speak truth to power. It's is the only hope we have.KC McAuleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02724999086346230806noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1685250403213780690.post-14544867266300912752011-08-15T14:15:00.000-07:002011-08-15T14:15:17.364-07:00Fair and BalancedI'm a Libra, you know, the lady with the scales. I spend most of my time trying to find balance in my world. I bend over backwards to be fair. I try to see things from other perspectives and use reason and logic to present my arguments. Lately, I seem to be living in a world where crazy is the norm and rabid emotional outburst is the voice. I get it people. Things are messed up and we need to find a better way to run things or there's going to be a pretty major revolution or repression. Either way - it doesn't look good.<br />
I live in an apartment complex with 16 units. In addition to our rent, we all pay a portion of the water bill. In the summer, we pay a little more because the landscaping has automatic sprinklers. Now, I live alone. I run my dishwasher once, maybe twice a week. I shower every other day. I could claim that because I use less, I should pay less than the family two units over with 2 children who surely use more water than I do. But I don't. Why? Because the system I agreed to when I moved in was that our water is not based on individual use, but on a communal use. Right now, I use less. At some time, I may use more than my share. But I agreed to do my part. And so I do.<br />
I view my taxes in the same way. I pay my part and I have an expectation that when I need the services my taxes pay for, they will be there for me. My roads will be maintained. Schools will be operational. Courts and police will be there should I need them. Fire services will be there if I need them. I've been on food stamps once in my life, and it probably saved me from starving. It was only for 2 months, but I needed those 2 months and when I didn't need them, I moved on, knowing that someone else might need them more than I did. When I was in college, I had PELL grants and NDSL (National Direct Student Loans) to help me pay my way. When I got a job, I paid the loans back. As I approach my retirement years, I EXPECT to have some assistance from Social Security and Medicare. I've paid my fair share into these programs and I have an expectation of something back IF I need it. Other programs for seniors, food programs, housing assistance, utility programs, I would hope they will be there. But if they aren't because other, more urgent programs need the funding, then I will accept that as fair.<br />
What I do not accept as fair is the notion that other people can avoid paying their share because they have more money than I do OR they don't agree to what the money is being used for. I don't agree that persons who make more money than I do get to decide who gets to benefit from this system. I don't agree that any one party, religion, sect, ethnicity gets to decide what is best for everyone. We are NOT a democracy, we are a republic of REPRESENTATIONAL government. We elect our officials to WORK TOGETHER for the good of all. Not just for the wealthy, not just for the corporations that lobby for their support. LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL.<br />
There are plenty of programs I don't agree with, but it's the agreement I made with my government. I will pay my FAIR share and in return, you will be there if/when I need your help with something I cannot do alone. If I never need those services, fine and dandy. But I agreed to be part of the system. And I agreed that other people could be part of that system. I agreed that their part of this system isn't their ability to pay, pray, marry, work in the same way I do. I don't know why I work 8 hours and at the end of the day I still worry about paying my bills. More than once in the past year or so, I've looked to the heavens and had to decide - do I eat, pay this bill, buy my prescription, or put gas in my car. And I know that I'm doing pretty well by many, many people's standards. But I never stop looking for a way to stretch my dollars - or get some extra by selling off things I no longer need. I'm almost out of options, much like our nation. I live pretty lean. Sure, I can make some small cuts, razor thin slices in the whole picture. <br />
That's why I know that CUTS are not the way to fix what is happening in government. It's part of it, sure. There are some very minor, razor thin cuts that can be made. But it will not have a big impact. People who have gotten away with not paying their fair share, and I don't care if those "people" are individuals or corporations, need to step up and contribute for the good of all and not just for their own good. <br />
"The end of democracy and the defeat of the American Revolution will occur when government falls into the hands of lending institutions and moneyed incorporations." Thomas Jefferson <br />
My friends, I think we are there. <br />
Yes I know there are those who abuse the blessing of this country, and in time we need to correct that. But until our schools can properly educate and inform, until our manufacturing can produce goods AND jobs for those educated, until we can ensure that every man, woman and child can enjoy the fruits of their labors and share in the happiness of community, we gain nothing by taking from those who have nothing. <br />
"The purpose of government is to enable the people of a nation to live in safety and happiness. Government exists for the interests of the governed, not for the governors."Thomas Jefferson<br />
We need Mr. Jefferson again. We need those in government to remember who they work for. We need government to return to the basic duty allowing us to live in safety and happiness. And if they don't listen, we need to take their jobs away from them. Because they aren't doing it. And I really can't take it anymore. <br />
<br />
<br />
KC McAuleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02724999086346230806noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1685250403213780690.post-36078188505055903072011-08-11T21:40:00.001-07:002011-08-11T22:05:25.624-07:00Poetry Corner - Poems<span data-jsid="text"> I write poems on my lover's back.<br />
When he folds me in his arms,<br />
I let my fingers dance along his arms and slip behind his head.<br />
His curls wrap 'round my fingertips as I go in for the kiss.<br />
Clothes fall away and skin to skin we memorize each curve and sigh.<br />
Then as he slips down at my side and drifts away to sleep,<br />
I write across his back.<br />
The words I wish that I could say.<br />
The thoughts that keep me up at night.<br />
The dreams that only lovers share.<br />
I write poems on my lover's back.</span>KC McAuleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02724999086346230806noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1685250403213780690.post-84326053680816390012011-07-10T10:49:00.000-07:002011-07-10T10:49:13.985-07:00Mama KittyIf you know me at all, you know that there is one person in the world for whom I would do anything, give anything, fight anyone anywhere anytime, my daughter Bridgete. And you know that I live in Portland Oregon and she lives in Boston (well technically Quincy) Massachusetts. And you know that I hate it most of the time, but I accept that it is the way things have to be right now. Until something happens like last night.<br />
My phone rings and I hear the strains of Van the Man Morrison singing Brown Eyed Girl - our song. Bridgete and I have a informational urgency structure. We need to communicate something, but an answer isn't necessary or at least not right away - email. We need to communicate and an answer or response is needed, but not urgent - text message. We need to communicate NOW - phone. Lately, the phone has been good stuff. I wanted to hear your voice or I needed to laugh with you or something really great has happened. So I answered quickly. <br />
There is nothing more painful as a parent than to hear your child sobbing on the end of the phone. And I didn't know what had happened, but I knew that this wasn't a car accident, heartbreak, sob. This was serious. Her apartment building was in flames and she didn't know where her cat was. Marcelo was at work, so he was safe, but her precious Severus was in that building, scared and in danger. She felt helpless and I felt even more so. <br />
She had another call coming in so she hung up on me and I fell to my knees in tears. This is pure emotion here people. There is no logic in what I have been thinking, feeling, doing for the past 14 hours or so. I cannot do a damn thing to help here. Nothing. No resources I can throw at the problem. No swooping in and finding the cat and being the best mom on the planet. No hero. And my mama kitty is mad and frustrated and pacing back and forth in fury. I try to keep my head about me. Try to think of anything I can do, any way I can raise money to help them out, any ideas I can offer. But I got nothing. <br />
I miss my daughter more than you can possibly imagine. I haven't seen her in 6 months and it may be another 6 months before I see her again. I've never gone that long without hugging her in her entire life. And right now that's all I want to do. Hug her and tell her that I love her the most. And then I love her more.KC McAuleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02724999086346230806noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1685250403213780690.post-49872332561845911792011-06-06T13:27:00.000-07:002011-06-06T13:32:27.751-07:00To Be or Not to BeAnd so I find an entire month has passed since my last post. It has been a very busy month with many frustrations and many reasons to rejoice. So let us start with what has improved.<br />
<br />
I have had opportunity to talk to the girls downstairs and they have gotten much better about the noise. We have detente.<br />
<br />
My money is what it is. I have no real way of increasing my cash flow and so I simply have to become more selective about where I choose to spend it. And if that means that I don't go out with my friends as often or have to skip the wine and settle for water, then that's what it means. Long term, I want to see my daughter, I want to travel more, and I want to enjoy my life more. So a little sacrifice now for greater fun later is okay with me. I'm not happy when I have to choose between NEEDS, but choosing between WANTS is okay.<br />
<br />
My health is becoming a greater concern to me, not just because I am feeling unattractive but because I think it is contributing to my greater mental health. I can't change the weather so I have to get off my ass and move it, rain or no rain. Again, I am limited with the resources I can call upon to change this, but I do have some resources and I need to use them to improve my attitude, not reinforce the bad one.<br />
<br />
Lastly, relationships. This one has been very hard for me to face. I think I've come to accept that everyone out there who wants me to "find someone" is well meaning. They don't want me to be lonely, which I'm not. They don't want me to miss out on love, which I don't feel I am. They think I deserve to find a love who can reflect back to me all that I am and all that I can be. Perhaps I do. But the problem of meeting or finding them is simply not working out.<br />
<br />
I tried a free communication weekend last weekend, worked on my profile, did all the tests, and....nothin'. Not a wink or a nudge or whatever the hell this site used to start the communication process. At first I was hurt and started the process of wondering what the hell I needed to change about myself. And then I stopped and thought about it. Thought about it hard. And here's where I ended up. I will never meet someone online because I cannot be summed up in a profile. No one really can, but I am not able to be categorized in a way that really shows my strengths and will attract my "someone." According to these profiles, I am a 51 year old divorcée with a few curves and wrinkles. Gray hair and glasses. I like to read and go to movies and watch TV and occasionally enjoy sporting events. I like to go out with my friends and I like to stay in. I like to travel to far away places, but I enjoy a day trip to the beach or the gorge, alone or with my friends. I like flowers, but I like to plant them too. I like city living and I enjoy the country. I stay current with events and I enjoy history. My family is important to me and so is my independence. My daughter is the most important and most influential person in my life and you are just going to have to deal with that. I love to laugh and I am sentimental and weepy at times. I'm a deeply romantic and passionate person who needs reassurance...and space to breath.<br />
<br />
So you see what I'm getting at? If I can't define all my must haves and would likes and can't abides in 120 words to my own satisfaction, then how can I possibly expect that someone can see through all that to the real me - the one that loves and laughs and cries and needs to be left alone and needs to be held and wants to walk through a bookstore and then walk through a park and eat a lovely dinner in a sweet neighborhood cafe and watch a movie curled up on the couch, or not. I'm not going to change for someone because then they wouldn't even know the real me. Not going to color or not color my hair, cut it or not, wear a dress or not, sleep late or get up early, stop drinking or not, eat sugar or not, laugh or not, cry or not, live alone or not - for you, for anyone but me.<br />
<br />
The time has to come to decide...to be...me.KC McAuleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02724999086346230806noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1685250403213780690.post-31479768759181825022011-05-05T11:26:00.000-07:002011-05-05T11:26:38.227-07:00Where did I go wrong?Fair warning, this is gonna be a long post about how I'm feeling the blues these days. Feeling it bad. I need to get this stuff off my chest, out of my head, out of my heart and see if I can't shift the energy around me. So if you aren't in a place to listen to me bitch and whine and moan about poor, poor me, then go away. I know I'm having a pity party - but if I can't party here - I'll just go home and have it there, all by myself.<br />
<br />
Lately I'm feeling like nothing in my life is the way I would have it - and I don't know how or why it is and I have to find a way to either change it or accept it. Probably a little bit of both. I know the signs - my soul is uneasy, my eyes don't want to open in the morning, and the last place I want to be is with other people. Never a good sign for a chronic depressive.<br />
<br />
1) My job is really annoying me lately. Everyone is feeling the pain of no wage increases for 3 years and yet everything from soup to nuts is costing more than it did 3 years ago. And I'm starting to worry about things like retirement, health care, etc. I can't even save 100.00 from paycheck to paycheck and I'm supposed to feel like I can even think about retirement in the next 15 years? Not likely. If things were going like I would have it, I'd have a nice cushion in savings - 10K or so - so that I could do some traveling before I get too much older, get those new glasses I really, really need, replace my couch, maybe even move to a place much more suited to me and my lifestyle.<br />
Which brings me to<br />
2) My apartment. Maybe it's that now I have too many bad memories associated with it or that I just really need to be in a duplex/fourplex/with age appropriate, sound level appropriate, life appropriate neighbors. Since moving 4 years ago, I've had a series of downstairs neighbors that have progressively become worse about living with others. The lack of consideration, politeness, compassion gets worse with each neighbor. First there were the boys who played video games with loud bombing sound effects at all hours. Then Scott - I liked Scott. He went to work at 6 AM too, so he was really quiet at night. But he was only there for a few months and then he had to rescue his dog from his ex-wife and so he needed to move a place where he could have his dog.<br />
Then there was the doctor/resident/student? I never worked out what she did. She had the oddest hours. So I could never tell when she was going to be using the hot water. She also liked to slam doors and leave the hallway doors open so that Sol would escape outside randomly. And bugs and other critters could also get in. And rain. And cold. And heat. She was pretty annoying, but at least I could sleep most of the time.<br />
After her, there was a lull. 2 or 3 months when the place was empty. I really enjoyed that. Then the young couple moved in - and they were pretty cool. Odd hours and the occasional party. They were in theater - so I kind of liked them too. They didn't last long. They broke up - or the summer stock was over - or something like that. Then again the apartment stood vacant for several months. I was beginning to think that it was going to stay empty until the new neighbors. When I met them, I tried really hard not to judge. Okay, they wore black, they had tattoos and piercings, but they were basically really nice young girls a few years younger than my daughter. They asked me very nicely to move my car when they were moving in and were very appreciative when I did so. I gave them a couple of weeks to settle in - there's always lots of moving around and hammering nails and stuff that isn't normal activity when you move in somewhere. Then the weekly parties started. Okay, you have friends and you want to spend time with them. Are you girls now the only ones with a place that isn't mom and dads, so everyone gathers here? Not cool. Especially when the party doesn't even start until 10PM and you don't seem to differentiate between weekdays and weekends. I don't think of myself as a crabby old lady, but I'm quickly becoming one. Yesterday I went down IN MY PJs at 10:30...I have to sleep! I'm sure I was real picture. Boobs hanging down, hair all askew, my frustration and exhaustion all over my face. They did turn the music down and the party either broke up or moved somewhere else. But I don't think they will think to kindly of me anymore. And that breaks my heart.<br />
So - frustrated at work. Frustrated at home.<br />
3)Frustrated with my art. How can I even start to edit my book when I can't have some peace and quiet in which to work on it? And that just pisses me off even more.<br />
4)Then there's my whole body - diet thing. Don't even go there. I've cocooned myself in this protective wall of fat - because I can't risk anyone getting close - not after the last time, and the time before that, and the time before that. I look at myself in the mirror and tell myself that I'm ready to step out from behind this wall. And I'm strong enough to know how to care for myself now. And that I'm ready to risk my heart again. And that it won't happen overnight - but I do know how to do this and I am ready to be pretty again. I don't have to be afraid and I can be in charge of my heart. But can I? Won't I just get trampled all over again?<br />
I watch my ex-husband find love (Bridgete don't read this...I don't want you to be upset with him...this is ME)<br />
5)Anyway - I watch him turn himself inside out for this other woman and I don't understand why he couldn't do that for me? Why does she get the wedding? The house? The vacations? The...whatever? And it's not just him - it's Guy and David and every man I ever loved who can give and give and give to any woman but me.<br />
So I don't have the job, the home, the art, the body, the love, the life I would have. And I have to wonder why? Where did I screw up so badly that god or whoever decided I should be punished? What is the great sin that I committed? And how do I atone?<br />
<br />
That's the big question today. How do I atone for my sin (or the sins of my forefathers and foremothers) ? How do I make a change that will change my heart and mind and soul and body for the good? I know better than to just ask for Change...that's the way to more pain for sure. So I have to have a picture of what I'm asking for - an idea of the Change that I would seek - and a clear step to take.<br />
<br />
But right now - I just wonder - where did I go wrong?KC McAuleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02724999086346230806noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1685250403213780690.post-13786065976369616212011-04-27T14:23:00.000-07:002011-04-27T14:23:41.770-07:00New Beginnings - or is it starting over?Almost immediately after I posted my last blog, my car broke down again. I stepped on the clutch pedal and "SNAP", just like the last time. Only this time, the pedal did not come back up. It was stuck to the floor and I was unable to shift at all. Fortunately, it happened right outside my apartment and the repair shop is at the gas station across the street. So I pushed it in and called them the next day to tell them what happened. They called me a little later to tell me that this time was the clutch cable and not anything that they fixed in January. So it wasn't covered by warranty and I would now have to pay another 130.00.<br />
I set the thought aside because I was leaving for a weekend trip with friends to attend the wedding of two other friends. Lori and BC have been together for a couple of years. And they are so perfect together. I knew Lori only briefly before she started dating BC, so I had nothing to compare it too. But whenever I have seen them together, they are always respectful, loving and kind to each other.<br />
Off I went for a weekend adventure. I had a fabulous time, in spite of my worries about money - how would I pay for the car repairs? I didn't think about how much I was eating or drinking. I danced and sang and talked and walked. I soaked up the sun and huddled under blankets to keep away the cold. <br />
My phone had no service and so I had no email, Facebook, or text messages, until Sunday. It was rather freeing to be able to ignore the real world.<br />
But now the real world is back with a bang. And I'm not very happy here. Money worked out okay. I didn't have to over extend myself, which is a good thing. But I am still too close to the edge!<br />
Today is supposed to be that weird day in which you show appreciation to your admin at work. Which is what I am. And apparently I am not appreciated. It's not enough that I have to motivate myself to do the drudgery that is my job, it really pisses me off when I find that all my efforts are wasted as no one really notices or cares what I do anyway. Until I don't do it of course. So I'm feeling a little abused and ignored.<br />
As if that wasn't enough to depress me - I saw pictures of myself from the wedding. I am HUGE! I can't keep up this way. Something has to change now. Clearly little steps are not making a difference here. Time to get aggressive and get back into shape. I have tried my whole adult life to avoid food issues and rating my self worth by my body image, but this time I have to be honest. I am heavier than I have ever been in my life. Heavier than I was at 9 months pregnant with my 8lb 15oz. Bridgete. I have about 5 things in my closet I can still wear.<br />
So I'm stopping the sugar, giving up the carbs, no more wine or any alcohol. And every single day I will walk, stretch, yoga, Pilates, something to shed the pounds and find the body that I can feel good about. Do I expect to be able to all this immediately? No. But I did go 40 days without wine....and almost 20 days without bread. I ought to be able to start, one by one, taking on the toxic foods and behaviors that have led me here. Wish me luck. If you don't hear from me, you'll know I lost it and drank and ate everything in my home. And because my life loves irony, I'll probably choke on a peanut m&m. KC McAuleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02724999086346230806noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1685250403213780690.post-10536424338843314602011-04-19T13:02:00.000-07:002011-04-20T07:59:25.510-07:00Lent is over - now what?Sunday was the end of Lent and the beginning of Holy Week. I had a lovely white Bordeaux last night with some extra sharp Cheddar cheese and it was quite lovely. I made it through the 40 days and here I am.<br />
Am I different? Maybe. I know that I am feeling the need to comment on certain things...things I usually close my mouth about and trust that people who know better than I do will do the right thing.<br />
My country is in a mess. Our government is divisive and would rather engage in pointing fingers at the other side than getting serious and really trying to fix things. People are so overwhelmed with information that they can't be sure who is telling the truth or what will help. Every paycheck I have less and less discretionary money as the basics in my world are costing more and more. I work for a quasi government agency, so the general public thinks I'm overpaid and have better benefits than they do. I may have better benefits, I will give them that. But they aren't free. I pay a portion of my premium. My out of pocket has increased. My co pay on prescriptions has increased and that's just my health care. I haven't had a raise, not even a COLA in 3 years. Food is more expensive. Gasoline is more expensive. Any day now, I expect my rent to go up - and then I'll have to move. Because I just can't do more.<br />
There are a lot of reasons for the current economic state. You can look it all up. The Mortgage bubble, the wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, and now Libya, the Bush tax cuts, the Clinton tax increases, NAFTA, China, Medicare, Social Security, Boomers, children of boomers, Me generations, You generations...yours mine ours....So here's my take on it.<br />
30 years ago, a man named Ronald Reagan was elected President. He promised to bring a new morning to America. He built his economic policy based on the Chicago School of Economics and a guy named Milton Friedman. It was called supply side economics. This was kind of how it was supposed to work. Give people more control over their money. Take less in taxes and people will use that surplus to buy more goods, but they will also contribute more to non-profit organizations that support the causes they care about. The government wouldn't have to worry about better schools, better hospitals and health care, better assistance programs for the poor. Corporations would support their communities with the vast amounts of money they would now have - and jobs - well jobs would be everywhere! And unions wouldn't be around anymore because those altruistic employers would take care of their employees - because at heart we all want to do the right thing. <br />
30 years later, I think it's safe to say that those policies have failed. Investment and job creation has not happened. Prosperity is still for a few and those few are even farther away from the rest of us. The gap between the have and the have nots is as wide as I can ever remember it being. And those at the top are so out of touch with the rest of us, they can't even imagine the things we have to cope with.<br />
Just look at a few celebrity blogs like Gwyneth Paltrow. She's out there telling young mom's it's possible to be just like her - all you need is a chef, a trainer, a nanny and good genes. Does she honestly even hear herself when she says things like <span data-jsid="text">"Pumpkin soup, grilled market vegetables. It’s good. I get my chef to cook it."</span><br />
<br />
<span data-jsid="text"></span><br />
I know there are good people out there, people who do invest their time and their money in making a better world for all, not just for some or for those like them. I know that times are tough for small businesses. And I know that everyone is looking for a little relief. But I think it's time to look at some hard facts. <br />
The poor DO pay takes and the rich DO NOT bear the burden.<br />
No one lives tax free. Even if you don't pay income tax because you simply don't earn more than $9350 ( 18,700 for married couples) - there are still taxes; alcohol tax, gas tax, sales tax, property tax, etc. As for the wealthy, while the top 10 percent do pay a 38% tax rate, income tax is not the entire tax burden. Social Security, Medicare and unemployment are mostly paid by the rest of us. As for income tax, the wealthy have loopholes, tax shelters, and manage to look broke on paper - they actually pay little or no income tax.<br />
Is it any surprise that since Reagan, the rich are the only ones who have gotten richer? Since 1980, the average income in America has increased 1%. Those at the top? Their income has nearly doubled.<br />
Corporations? Well, they're people too. Corporate profits are up, but thanks to loopholes and tax breaks, their taxes are down nearly 23% since 2000. And the tax breaks there have not created jobs. In fact they have destroyed them. Imagine you're a corporation. You have a profit which you can reinvest in your company or you can hand it out in bonuses to your execs and dividends to your stockholders. If you tax rate is 23% less than it was last year, then why would you try to reduce your profits by reinvesting?<br />
Quite simply - our government has failed us. They have failed to create a smarter tax system and failed to develop smarter spending policies. The average America works longer hours and have fewer benefits for their work than most other countries. While those countries arguable have higher tax rates than we do, they also get more from their taxes. They have national health care systems. Retirees are not unfairly burdened. Education is low cost or free and does not drive the next generation into debt before they are even employed.<br />
It's time to develop a system in this country that benefits the majority, reduces risk due to illness or job loss, and provides universal health care.<br />
I want our government to stop debating about who or what caused it and get serious about fixing it.KC McAuleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02724999086346230806noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1685250403213780690.post-8345705737360968462011-04-15T19:45:00.000-07:002011-04-15T19:45:55.769-07:00Lent - Day 38I can't believe my 40 days are nearly over. My wine merchant is so glad to know I'll be back soon. Actually, not too soon. I have 6 beautiful wines that she has picked out for me just waiting to be sipped and savored. <br />
It's been a very interesting week. After my family weekend, there has been a lot of family activity. It all started because my oldest brother Jim wanted one of us girls to do a mtDNA test. He and my sister Nancy have some notion that there is a Native American Indian somewhere in the family blood line. They are a bit disappointed that I am only finding English and German ancestry. So I have sent for a kit and will be testing. I don't expect to find anything terribly surprising - but if there is one thing I've learned with my family history work it's that there are plenty of surprises.<br />
Last week on NBC's WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?, Ashley Judd found out that she was related to one of the original Mayflower Pilgrims - William Brewster. I was distracted during the program because I had the distinct feeling that I had seen that name in my own family history. I knew that through my grandmother Allie Spooner, I had a connection to the early Americans, and to Plymouth Mass. So I pulled up my family tree on my computer and searched for the name William Brewster. There he was! It turned out that his half-sister, Prudence married a man named Richard Peck, and their daughter Ann was married to John James Spooner. They had two sons, William and Thomas who came over to Plymouth as indentured servants in 1638 - 18 years after the Mayflower. I am descended from William's line - and it's very clear descent because it's all sons until my grandmother Allie. <br />
Also this week, I may have found a long lost cousin. Actually, she's probably no longer living - she was a child of my Uncle Bob's first marriage and was always just a rumor until I stumbled on a name in a census and that led to a birth record. I'm waiting to see if some of her living relatives can confirm this for me. Or if she even knew who her real father was. (My Uncle was an alcoholic and a bit of a rascal in his young years. He was my father's oldest brother and all this happened long before my parents even met.) <br />
There is another, more recent discovery that still has me a bit stunned. I'm not ready to share it quite yet. I want to verify my line a bit. I'm looking way back into my English line now - back to about 1312 to be exact. If it proves to be true, it may be a bit of a shocker! I'll keep you informed. ;-)<br />
And we'll see who I think I am!KC McAuleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02724999086346230806noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1685250403213780690.post-52305989842599540382011-04-12T19:59:00.000-07:002011-04-12T19:59:06.958-07:00Lent - Day 34<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" LatentStyleCount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if !mso]><img src="http://img2.blogblog.com/img/video_object.png" style="background-color: #b2b2b2; " class="BLOGGER-object-element tr_noresize tr_placeholder" id="ieooui" data-original-id="ieooui" /> <style>
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<div class="MsoNormal">I know I’ve missed a few days – okay more than a few.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I have a perfectly good reason.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My sisters were in town!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My sisters Judie and Nancy are 15 and 13 years older than I am, respectively.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Judie and I developed our relationship as adults because she had moved out to college, marriage, real life, by the time I was a person with thoughts and vocabulary.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nancy was a surrogate mother to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I went on her dates with her and when she got married, I spent most of my school vacations and weekends with her and her family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her daughter Nancy is only 5 years younger than I am.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s a smaller gap than there is between myself and any of my siblings.</div><div class="MsoNormal">Anyway – Nancy drove up from Southern Oregon with her daughter Nikki and our brother’s daughter Maggie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Judie drove in from McMinnville and we spent Thursday night and all of Friday together – eating, talking, laughing – lots of laughing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal">My niece Nikki has a great wit and a wonderful gift for story telling.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We think that they should develop a Bluetooth where Nikki can be in your ear, eavesdropping on your conversations and telling you what to say.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her wit is quick and fabulous.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She always has the right answer for everything.</div><div class="MsoNormal">I could tell you some of the things she has done, but I want to save them for my own book, like the time she was trying to pay a traffic ticket…oops…there I go.</div><div class="MsoNormal">Judie went back home on Friday and Saturday morning, I spent with the other girls at Saturday Market.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Portland Saturday Market is at least 30 years old.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I moved here 30 years ago and it was happening then.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The market is a large area under the Burnside Bridge where artisans and crafts persons set up their booths and sell their things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The food carts are what you usually find at these places, burritos, gyros, Vietnamese sandwiches and the always yummy elephant ears.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(large doughy goodies with cinnamon and sugar on them)</div><div class="MsoNormal">Needless to say, I failed to keep away from bread this weekend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am still wine free.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bread is the staff of life apparently for us Watt girls.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nikki has had to go gluten free and it has been very hard on her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I do need to do a yeast fast – I will try to be good for the rest of Lent – which is down to the last two weeks now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal">Sunday, I took my step-daughter Jennifer out to dinner for her birthday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>April is a huge birthday month for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have several friends with birthdays.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My father’s birthday was April 8 – the day we were all together.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We drank a coffee in his honor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I love you Daddy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yesterday, April 11 was my beautiful daughter’s birthday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My angel. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My pride and joy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My best friend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My brown-eyed Bridgete.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I love you too!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And today is Jennifer’s actual birthday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She 10 years minus one day older than Bridgete.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Knowing what my sisters mean to me at this time in my life, I am overjoyed that Bridgete and Jennifer have built a friendship.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know it will last them long after I am gone – but that is a long time from now!</div><div class="MsoNormal">So I have been blessed to spend the last several days in the presence of love and family that fills my heart with joy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know some fabulous ladies!</div>KC McAuleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02724999086346230806noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1685250403213780690.post-89556024489269837242011-04-06T07:39:00.000-07:002011-04-06T07:39:14.982-07:00Lent - Days 26 & 27Yesterday was another fasting day for me. This was a tougher one because I was more physically active yesterday than I am on the average work day. First of all, when I was ready to go to work, the sun was up and the sky was light and it wasn't raining. So for the first time in a long time, I walked the mile from my apartment to my workplace. That felt great. I miss my walks in the winter. It's not that I'm a fair weather walker - but I have to cross Highway 99 on my walk to work. And even with reflective wear, I've nearly been hit in the dark winter mornings. So I have to settle for a bus ride. I'm thrilled to know that spring may at last be pushing in and I can start walking again.<br />
I was teaching yesterday - one of my favorite things at my job. I wasn't hired to do this, but I developed this curriculum for the agency because bus drivers and mechanics and rail operators can't advance in the agency without some basic computer skills. The classes are free to them and I cover basic office applications. I always have one or two people who are afraid to even touch a keyboard or a mouse and one or two manager/supervisor types just looking to get a refresher on their skills. Yesterday morning was one of my favorites - PowerPoint. I don't use it in my job, so it's my time to play. And I enjoy seeing other people express their inner creativity. Just getting to experiment with animations, sounds, and drawing tools gets them to relax and without realizing it, they've learned to mouse, to cut and paste, to format and to open, close and save files.<br />
So I was on my feet all day and then I walked home. Again, it wasn't raining and the sun was trying to shine! By the time I got home, my feet hurt, my back hurt and my stomach was in an uproar!! I downed about a quart of water, rested a bit and then I broke down and ate some strawberries that were about to go bad.<br />
Semi successful fasting. Today, I'm a little upset with myself that I couldn't hold out a few more hours. And I'm more than a little cranky. Not sure if I like this disquiet that is being stirred to life in me. I'm trying to believe that it has purpose, that there is a greater lesson to be learned. But right now, I feel like a huge failure - in just about every area of my life. Strange how I can't let myself off the hook, how I can't have a wonderful day in which I helped about a dozen people feel better about who they are and what they can achieve, but I can't let myself have a small moment of pride about it. Why can't I embrace what is good in me and let the rest be? Why do I always see where I fell short instead of where I succeeded beyond my own and others expectations? Will I ever be able to celebrate who I am, who I was meant to be?KC McAuleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02724999086346230806noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1685250403213780690.post-17299431954207759222011-04-04T09:39:00.000-07:002011-04-04T09:39:14.704-07:00Lent - Day 24 & 25So I almost made it to Saturday morning. Technically - I did make it. But I was taking out the garbage on Friday evening and I had one very ripe banana left. I had to choose - toss out the banana or eat it. I ate it. And it was the best tasting banana I've ever had! It was sweet and wonderful and even though I felt very guilty - I knew God would understand.<br />
<br />
Saturday morning's breakfast was terrific. I love my Saturday group. They are such a wonderful group of ladies and I always enjoy my time with them. The food was so tasty and satisfying as well. I didn't overeat and felt perfectly sated with the amount of food I had.<br />
<br />
The rest of my weekend was kind of up and down. My temper was pretty edgy, probably a hang on from being hungry. It's rather difficult to be balanced emotionally when you're hungry. And your brain doesn't work too well either.<br />
<br />
So the upshot is, I spent a lot of time in reflection, both during and after my fast. I'll be fasting again tomorrow. I'm teaching tomorrow so it's an easy time to fast. I usually don't have time to eat when I teach anyway. And I'll focus on my liquids and then just spend tomorrow evening in meditation and reflection.KC McAuleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02724999086346230806noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1685250403213780690.post-24976342298401853892011-04-01T15:42:00.000-07:002011-04-01T15:42:09.779-07:00Lent - Days 22 & 23So I've been without food since Wednesday evening. Last thing I ate was a Caesar Salad at Pub Quiz. It's about 45 hours later and I can almost taste that salad. I'm so hungry. <br />
Yesterday was much easier. I drank tea and water and some juice last night, but I didn't really feel hungry until this morning. I was actually a little uncomfortable this morning and my coffee made me a little sick. So I switched to tea and that has been it.<br />
I was smelling everyone's lunch today. Usually I don't notice when other people are eating around me in cubeland. But I was very aware today. Even now, I can hear someone munching on cookies or chips or something - and I want to go steal one.<br />
Has this been successful in a spiritual sense then? I think so. I'm very tuned in to myself right now - to how I'm feeling, what I'm hearing, smelling, seeing. It's a very heightened experience. <br />
I wonder how this will feel tonight - when I'm at home and there is food around me, but I don't choose to eat it. This is really tough.KC McAuleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02724999086346230806noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1685250403213780690.post-31393608067074599552011-03-30T17:17:00.000-07:002011-03-30T17:17:08.817-07:00Lent - Day 21I had a feeling that if I just committed to this path, then something would appear that would guide me to my next step. Today, I read about this.<a href="http://blog.bread.org/2011/03/lenten-devotions-day-twenty.html?__utma=1.940556167.1301529825.1301529825.1301529825.1&__utmb=1.1.10.1301529825&__utmc=1&__utmx=-&__utmz=1.1301529825.1.1.utmcsr=%28direct%29%7Cutmccn=%28direct%29%7Cutmcmd=%28none%29&__utmv=-&__utmk=157758906">Choosing to Fast</a>.<br />
<br />
And this is my next step. For the remainder of Lent, I will fast 24-28 hours each week. This is an offering to myself. A chance to go a little deeper into my relationship to food and drink. And perhaps to find a way out of my emotional eating addictions.<br />
<br />
I know it's small - but in some way, I also hope that I am part of something bigger that moves our government into action that makes sense in this budget process. I'm not going to get preachy here. But I do believe, along with Thomas Jefferson, that the essential role of government is to protect the powerless from the powerful - especially when they would abuse that power over them. Just think about it. This applies to protection from enemies, foreign and domestic. This applies to protecting the free flow of information. This applies to basic human rights - life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.<br />
<br />
So I'll be fasting the rest of this week - from tomorrow morning until Saturday morning. Check in with me to see how it's going. KC McAuleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02724999086346230806noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1685250403213780690.post-92219076495247771842011-03-29T08:06:00.000-07:002011-03-29T08:06:04.658-07:00Lent - Day 19 & 20Out beyond ideas of rightdoing and wrongdoing,<br />
there is a field. I'l meet you there.<br />
<br />
When the soul lies down in that grass,<br />
the world is too full to talk about.<br />
Ideas, language, even the phrase each other<br />
doesn't make any sense.<br />
RUMI <br />
<br />
Someone sent me this today. They had no idea where I was spiritually, what I've been trying to do these past weeks - and how here at the half way point I was ready to give up. They just shared something with me that had been meaningful to them. And suddenly I see what I am supposed to do now.<br />
I am supposed to give up. Not in the way I was thinking. Not by forgetting my vows and commitment. But rather by surrendering to the struggle and simply being with it. By letting myself be vulnerable and sitting with my feelings of fear and loss. <br />
I am halfway through. I am at the point on the path where I can no longer pretend that things are going to be okay. I have to keep going forward into my broken-heartedness. I've reached the crossroads that says - "Go here. Have courage. Be present to your fears. Be tender with yourself. Be here." <br />
<br />
It's time to sit with my feelings and let them be. Not try to understand them. Not try to change them or shift them in anyway. Just sit with them. And really feel them. Be vulnerable and sit where "the world is too full to talk about."KC McAuleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02724999086346230806noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1685250403213780690.post-66906430273559077032011-03-27T10:03:00.000-07:002011-03-27T10:23:11.478-07:00Lent - Days 16, 17 & 18<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6hL6L0xGjLkuruR2SeY62KB4x3s1MHGOZNCzq2LiNtukPyQ1bGWwFlmdWJySZXpHzacE2GMgyv7dirSFtPHJXIdLcwMN4lbQtTPblhaRg900PwmbBO4QpzOE2gpHg1QUMXBi2y-Q7x8JE/s1600/daddy+and+shadow.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6hL6L0xGjLkuruR2SeY62KB4x3s1MHGOZNCzq2LiNtukPyQ1bGWwFlmdWJySZXpHzacE2GMgyv7dirSFtPHJXIdLcwMN4lbQtTPblhaRg900PwmbBO4QpzOE2gpHg1QUMXBi2y-Q7x8JE/s320/daddy+and+shadow.jpg" width="311" /></a>This is my father. Today is the 30th anniversary of the worst day of my life. March 27, 1981, my father died, 10 days after suffering a fatal stroke. He was 67 years old. I was 21. And my life was changed. It's pointless to say what my life would have been had he not died. I only know what was.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">My father was a kind man. He was generous, to a fault. He was hard working and provided the best he could for his family. And it was quite a family. 7 children, 4 boy and 3 girls. I was the last. All of us finished high school. 5 of us went on to college, 4 of us finished. We had a big rambling house with 5 bedrooms. We may not have had the best things, but we were warm and feed and loved. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">My father was born on the eve of the First World War. He lived though the Great Depression and served in the Second World War, leaving behind a wife with 2 small children and one on the way. After the war, he and my mother moved from Los Angeles to Grants Pass, Oregon where I was born and where he died.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Daddy was remarkably demonstrative for a man of his generation. He didn't hold back on his love for his children and grandchildren. He adored my mother and we all knew there was never another woman for him. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">We were his life. I can't remember him ever saying he "didn't have time" for us or "later". He worked 5 days a week and half days on Saturday. Saturday afternoons he would go by the church and get things ready for Sunday morning Mass.</div>He loved sports of all kinds. Television was a miracle to him. He could watch sporting events from around the world and chores around the house were timed to make sure he saw football games, Indy car races and ABC's Wide World of Sports.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">He believed in plain speaking. When I was about 11 or 12, we were watching a crime drama on TV (a genre which I watch and love to this day) and someone was being investigated for rape. I asked my daddy what rape was. A question I'm sure must have started him sweating. But he quickly assessed my age and intelligence and simply said, "It's when a man forces a woman to have sex." It was the simplest explanation and answered my question. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">He believed in right and wrong, God and the Golden Rule. He treated everyone with respect and honor. I never heard him say a bad thing about anyone, except maybe Richard Nixon. He was appalled that anyone, let alone the President of the United States, thought themselves above the law. He paid his taxes without complaint. He paid his mortgage and bills. Health Insurance was something we didn't have until I was a young child. He and my mother used to say that the only bills they would always have to pay were Sears and the Grants Pass Clinic. (The Clinic was next door to our house and all the staff knew who we were. Every scrape and bump was treated with kindness and some were probably not even charged for.)</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I often wonder what my father would make of this world today. How people are so often discarded as replaceable. How basic care and comfort are not available for all citizens of the greatest country on the planet. How his own wife had to rid herself of every material good of value in order to find a place where she would live out her last days. How his precious grandchildren have gone into debt gaining an education and means to make a living. How his daughter has lived all these years without his unconditional love and support. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">My mother said he suffered from depression. And I'm sure he felt that he was not doing everything possible for his family. But he never let us feel it. We saw his love. His joy. His laughter. His tears of pride. His dedication. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I love him now more than I did then. I understand him more now. I miss him more. Now. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Roger Merrill Watt April 8, 1913- March 27, 1981. Husband of Mildred. Father of James, Judith, Nancy, Robert, Thomas, Nicholas and Katherine. Grandfather of Andrew, James, Michael, Christopher, Peter, Nancy, Nicole, Natalie, Margaret, Jason, Sarah, Roger, Matthew, Dawn and Bridgete. Mentor to many. Friend to all. </div>KC McAuleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02724999086346230806noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1685250403213780690.post-40914191547283377762011-03-24T09:46:00.000-07:002011-03-24T09:46:07.903-07:00Lent - Days 14 & 15This is getting really hard. I know that something is happening because of the great disquiet I am feeling these days.<br />
Such frustration though. I'm feeling so good one moment - clear and focused and optimistic; so sure that good things are right there, just waiting for me.<br />
Then almost out of nowhere - I careen into depths of sadness and tears and like my insides are being torn away. I guess they are. Not my physical insides of course, but my spiritual insides. Old beliefs are fighting to stay active and my newer, better self is fighting them, wearing them down. It's like there's a war going on 24/7 and all I can do is wait for the outcome - try to negotiate a peaceful surrender. <br />
The ego never goes quietly does it?<br />
When am I going to stop being prey to ever wicked, nasty, horrible attack that comes looking for me?<br />
When am I going to look at myself and know the real beauty that lives there; and stop hating myself, kicking myself, beating myself for every little wrong I have done?<br />
When am I going to find peace with myself? And how do I even know what that looks and feels like?KC McAuleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02724999086346230806noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1685250403213780690.post-72920619663228089332011-03-22T19:38:00.000-07:002011-03-22T19:38:32.313-07:00Lent - Days 13 & 14I'm sneezing and sniffling again. But this time I'm fairly certain it's allergies. I moved to this apartment 4 years ago on April 1. And every April since then, I have suffered mightily at this time of year. So one of the trees that are starting to bud is most certainly the cause. Time to break out the Zyrtec.<br />
The allergies are also making sleep difficult. Zyrtec should help that, too. I hope. Because I need to sleep!!<br />
Other than the allergies, I'm doing fine. My bread craving seems to have subsided. <br />
I wish I saw some change in my body, but I guess it's too much to ask after only 2 weeks.<br />
I'm feeling a little creative spark returning. I'm wanting to spend more time on my book. It's a bit frustrating right now, but I hope to start carving out blocks of time for it. <br />
Spring is definitely in the air.KC McAuleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02724999086346230806noreply@blogger.com0