View from the Couch

One of my favorite songs is Lucinda Williams' Passionate Kisses. In it she asks, "Is it too much to ask? I want a comfortable bed that won't hurt my back? Food to fill me up and warm clothes and all that stuff. Shouldn't I have this?...." Lately I'm in a "Shouldn't I have??" place. All my socks have holes. All my underwear has no more elastic and my bras don't fit. My towels don't adsorb anymore. My car needs a detail wash, not just a drive-thru. I find myself wondering why I don't have it. Why am I settling for less than I deserve? Why am I settling for less than I settled for? Is it just too much to ask? I know I'm really lucky. I have a good job and my benefits are much better than many people. I have wonderful friends who love me and support me. I have a daughter who is smarter, prettier, more capable, more loved and respected than I could ever have wished for. And she loves me, too. I can and do take care of ...

28 years ago, I was orphaned. Technically speaking, it was only my father who died. But after the initial shock of that loss diminished, I realized that my mother was not really a mother. My mother is a good person. She's bright and strong willed and capable. She has a wide range of interests and was always good for a conversation on art, theatre, music, literature. But she wasn't built for mothering, especially to me. You see, she was in her early 40s when she had me. Her youngest was in school and at last she had time for herself. And a new baby wasn't about to stop her from getting that. Does my mother love me? Yes. But does my mother really know me? Understand me? Feel joy in my joy and pain in my pain? Is she unconditionally there for me? No, she isn't. And she never was. Had I been a different sort of person, perhaps this wouldn't matter. But I am wired up to feel deeply. To seek a connection to others. To need a connection to others. I h...

I started a writing class this week. It's online which means I can go to school in my pajamas. I always wanted to do that. :) And it means I can share my writing and get feedback from a wider audience than previously. The following is my first assignment. I had to take a phrase, write a narrative, with some dialogue and have a twist at the end. All this was to be written in 5 minutes and be about 300 words long. I think mine is about 330. I hope you like it. They called it a near miss, but I called it Daddy. Playing in my bedroom, I heard his tires on the long, gravel driveway and my mind focused. Jumping up on the bed to see out the high window, I watched and watched for his car to reach the end of the driveway. Engine off, I jumped down and ran for the backdoor. Racing through the kitchen, my mother, damp tendrils around her face, wiped her hands on her apron and called after me, "Don't jump on your father. He's had a hard day." But nothing could b...

There's something going on inside me. I don' t know what is happening and my inclination is to pretend it's nothing and just keep doing the same things I always do...in the same way I always have. But I'm smart enough to know this isn't really what my soul wants to do. I am being blessed with spiritual dis-ease. Time to shift my focus and pay attention. Those little stirrings are there for a reason. The people appearing and reappearing in my life and in my dreams do mean something. How do I know this? Because I'm nearly 50 years old and I know when these little soul cries come upon me, it's important!! Because all the work I've been doing, all the study and reading, all the tears and pain, are preparing me for something big. I don' t know what it is. But I believe with all my heart that it is something that will shift me in a very important way. And that's what scares me. That's what makes me want to stick my head in the sand. An...

I don't make New Year's Resolutions, and yet I firmly believe in writing down your intentions. I believe the universe is waiting to meet our needs, but we have to articulate them. Prayers are answered when you can fully describe what you are seeking. Ask and it shall be given. Knock and the door shall be opened. So in that spirit, I give you my intentions - 9 of them - for 2009. In this year we call 2009 I shall turn half a century. 50 years. 50 birthdays. 50 times I have marked my existence, blown out the candles, made a wish. In that spirit, I will make 9 wishes. State 9 intentions. Surrender 9 desires. Jump. And let the net appear. 9 - I want to release my body from the extra weight that has encased it. Let it go. Let go of the fear, the shame, the loss that keeps me hidden away. I am ready to let the butterfly out of the cocoon. And it's going to take time and effort - for me. 8 - I will invest time in my relationships. My friends are dear to me and too of...

Over Christmas I had a really wonderful conversation with my daughter. I had several wonderful conversations, but this one in particular has stayed with me. We were talking about relationships - stupid boys and all that stuff. And I realized that maybe it was time for me to state my intentions again. I used to make those lists...you know...21 things I want in a lover...(thank you Alanis Morrisette) But the last time I did that, I left off one tiny thing...he should be free to conduct a relationship with me, and that really got in the way of us. So this time I thought I'd focus on the three things that Bridgete and I talked about. Companionship, Sexual Compatibly, Intimacy. Here are the thing most important to me in these three areas. Companionship. It all sounds so easy - if you love someone, than logically, you should enjoy spending time with them. And while compromise is always necessary, there should be things you enjoy doing together. The normal tasks that each of ...

It's New Year's Eve. I'm sipping a lovely Willamette Valley Syrah and watching television. On my laptop, I'm chatting with a dear friend and playing a game of Wordscraper , which was Scrabulous , which now is Lexulous . I don't give a damn what it's called. I just want to play a game or two with friends and loved ones. So here's a little recap.... Last New Year's Eve, I was home alone, sipping wine watching Fred and Ginger dance across the screen. I was rather hoping Turner Classics would do that again, but they didn't. In the first few weeks of 2008, several friends lost a parent. It was almost an epidemic . I wanted to go visit my dear friends George and Nancy for the Oscar's, but I broke a tooth and my savings went into that. Nancy was one of the friends who had lost a parent, her father. I really wanted to be with her. She was so exhausted from the whole experience. But I wasn't alone for Oscar. I chatted with my daughter, w...