Wednesday, January 14, 2009

See Me

Over Christmas I had a really wonderful conversation with my daughter. I had several wonderful conversations, but this one in particular has stayed with me. We were talking about relationships - stupid boys and all that stuff. And I realized that maybe it was time for me to state my intentions again. I used to make those lists...you know...21 things I want in a lover...(thank you Alanis Morrisette) But the last time I did that, I left off one tiny thing...he should be free to conduct a relationship with me, and that really got in the way of us.

So this time I thought I'd focus on the three things that Bridgete and I talked about. Companionship, Sexual Compatibly, Intimacy. Here are the thing most important to me in these three areas.

Companionship. It all sounds so easy - if you love someone, than logically, you should enjoy spending time with them. And while compromise is always necessary, there should be things you enjoy doing together.
The normal tasks that each of us perform whether we live alone or with another is one way in which we spend time together. Cleaning the home. Yard work. Shopping for and preparing the meals. Laundry. Paying the bills. These are all tasks made lighter when done with one we love. In my own personal history they tended to simply be tasks divided up and rarely if ever done together. Resentment for incomplete tasks or thing simply not done "my way" was a reason to squabble and point fingers and tended to not enhance the relationship. So I'd like some who is willing to share the load and make this a truly together experience.
Then there is the issue of things you enjoy doing together. I like movies. I like television. I like roaming through old smelly bookstores in search of hidden treasures. I like music. I like the theater, the ballet and on occasion the opera. I like to dance. I like reading. I like walking along a beach or river, driving through beautiful scenery, traveling, exploring. And I like people. Love spending time with old friends. Making new friends. I have learned to like sports. Learned to enjoy golfing. But my partners have never learned to like the things I love.
I was fortunate to be married to a man who did like music and usually our nights out consisted of a concert, either symphonic or popular. He learned, over time, to trust my judgment in movies and television and we did enjoy those things together. But even he never quite matched my thirst for those things. So I'd like someone who can truly embrace my passionate love of the arts and literature and history and people and places. (and wine and whiskey and pub quiz)

Next - sexual attraction. I've mentioned this before. I'm a very sensual person. I not only like sex, I need it. I love the feeling of being completely in my body. I love expressing myself sexually. I love sexual play. And when sex is good...I want more. I'm greedy. I admit it. But having a full sexual relationship that explores the erotic, passionate, playful, fun side of me is highly desirable. nuff said. My daughter is reading this. :)

Lastly - intimacy. I once heard it described thus.... IN TO ME...SEE. And that is the feeling that true intimacy engenders in me. Seeing me is very important to me because I tend to feel invisible much of the time. The intensity of what I feel, the deep connections I create, the way in which I see the world and those around me is often too much for them to handle. So I've gotten very good at hiding my real true self. Even those who think they know me have only seen a very little glimpse beneath the surface. I've never felt safe enough to be truly seen. I am incredibly grateful for the people in my life who give me so much. Who give me approbation and love and laughter and thought. Who hold me in their hearts and thoughts. But oh my darling and beloved friends, you cannot see in to me. I won't let you.

Perhaps that is the greatest fear I have. Maybe there is not more to be seen. Maybe this is all and I only imagine there is more. But if there is more to see - how I long for one who can see it.

Understand the root of my fears and my dreams. Love me as I am - always. See me. In to me...see. And love what you see.

So I guess that 's it. A companion who I have a strong sexual attraction for that I feel safe enough to let inside. Not much to ask for - as my therapist would say. To me, it feels like I'm asking for the world.