Monday, June 6, 2011

To Be or Not to Be

And so I find an entire month has passed since my last post.  It has been a very busy month with many frustrations and many reasons to rejoice.  So let us start with what has improved.

I have had opportunity to talk to the girls downstairs and they have gotten much better about the noise.  We have detente.

My money is what it is.  I have no real way of increasing my cash flow and so I simply have to become more selective about where I choose to spend it.  And if that means that I don't go out with my friends as often or have to skip the wine and settle for water, then that's what it means.  Long term, I want to see my daughter, I want to travel more, and I want to enjoy my life more.  So a little sacrifice now for greater fun later is okay with me. I'm not happy when I have to choose between NEEDS, but choosing between WANTS is okay.

My health is becoming a greater concern to me, not just because I am feeling unattractive but because I think it is contributing to my greater mental health.  I can't change the weather so I have to get off my ass and move it, rain or no rain.  Again, I am limited with the resources I can call upon to change this, but I do have some resources and I need to use them to improve my attitude, not reinforce the bad one.

Lastly, relationships.  This one has been very hard for me to face.  I think I've come to accept that everyone out there who wants me to "find someone" is well meaning.  They don't want me to be lonely, which I'm not.  They don't want me to miss out on love, which I don't feel I am.  They think I deserve to find a love who can reflect back to me all that I am and all that I can be.  Perhaps I do.  But the problem of meeting or finding them is simply not working out.

I tried a free communication weekend last weekend, worked on my profile, did all the tests, and....nothin'.  Not a wink or a nudge or whatever the hell this site used to start the communication process.  At first I was hurt and started the process of wondering what the hell I needed to change about myself.  And then I stopped and thought about it.  Thought about it hard.  And here's where I ended up.  I will never meet someone online because I cannot be summed up in a profile.  No one really can, but I am not able to be categorized in a way that really shows my strengths and will attract my "someone."   According to these profiles, I am a 51 year old divorcée with a few curves and wrinkles.  Gray hair and glasses.  I like to read and go to movies and watch TV and occasionally enjoy sporting events.  I like to go out with my friends and I like to stay in.  I like to travel to far away places, but I enjoy a day trip to the beach or the gorge, alone or with my friends.  I like flowers, but I like to plant them too. I like city living and I enjoy the country.  I stay current with events and I enjoy history.  My family is important to me and so is my independence.  My daughter is the most important and most influential person in my life and you are just going to have to deal with that.  I love to laugh and I am sentimental and weepy at times.   I'm a deeply romantic and passionate person who needs reassurance...and space to breath.

So you see what I'm getting at?  If I can't define all my must haves and would likes and can't abides in 120 words to my own satisfaction, then how can I possibly expect that someone can see through all that to the real me - the one that loves and laughs and cries and needs to be left alone and needs to be held and wants to walk through a bookstore and then walk through a park and eat a lovely dinner in a sweet neighborhood cafe and watch a movie curled up on the couch, or not. I'm not going to change for someone because then they wouldn't even know the real me.  Not going to color or not color my hair, cut it or not, wear a dress or not, sleep late or get up early, stop drinking or not, eat sugar or not, laugh or not, cry or not, live alone or not - for you, for anyone but me.

The time has to come to