Wednesday, June 9, 2010

What I mean is...

I've been very depressed lately about a number of things.

The weather is awful.  Yeah, I know I live in Oregon and we have a lot of rain, it's a rain forest for god's sake.  But this year is the worst I can remember for some time.  Today is JUNE 9th.  The Junior Rose Parade is today.  All the years we lived in the Hollywood district, the Junior Rose parade meant fun and sun and kids out in shorts and sandals.  The BIG PARADE is Saturday. The pools are getting ready to open!   But it's 60 degrees and RAINING...torrents of rain.  I have friends who have natural swimming holes in their back yards now.  Not that they asked for them.

No matter how hard I am saving, I can't seem to get to a place where I can relax about money.  No matter what I do with my diet and exercise, I am ballooning up, not going down.  No matter how hard I avoid the news, it finds me and it depresses me even more.  And even when I think I'm clearing out a space for new, serendipity to find me...the space just keeps filling with more junk.
I've made a huge discovery in the last few days.  And it's not a good one.  I am a depressive person.  Not a Manic Depressive - just a depressive. See, I ran out of money.  I had to pay my rent and with the money left over, I could either get my prescription for my anti-depressant filled...or buy food.  Not both.  No way I could stretch that.  No way I could make it work out.  So I let my prescription go...I knew it was a risk.  But I've been on the damn things for almost 4 years.  And it was only going to be for a couple weeks at most!  And I could handle it, Right?

Wrong.  The first week was tolerable.  I was able to be with my daughter and in the sun and that seemed to help keep the anxiety and big black cloud of doom away.  But the past week, especially these past few days, have been horrible.  I'm telling you - this is no way to have to feel.  No way to have to function.  And it makes me so mad.  I'm constantly on edge.  Constantly a sniff away from tears.  And I don't sleep - my mind just won't stop!

I don't choose to feel this way.  No one would.  And I'm smart enough to know that I took the risk and I'm paying for it.  But I'm ashamed at how it is now impacting other people - people who don't deserve this treatment and didn't sign up for this craziness.  (See why I can't get involved with anyone?? This is a suck state to live in and there is nothing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING anyone can do for me when I'm here.  You can't love me out of this.  No One Can.)

Why do I have to make this choice?  Why am I made to decide between nutrients and chemicals for my body and nutrients and chemicals for my mind?  Aren't they both important? 

Anyway - if you are one of the many who have been hurt by my behavior and neglected because of my moods and are at a loss to explain it.  I'm sorry.  It's not about you - I swear.  And if you don't want to be my friend anymore, it's okay.  I really understand.  But I hope you'll give me another chance.  I'm getting back on my drugs tomorrow.

And once those little chemicals start fixing my brain - then I'm left with the question; what would make me feel better?  Let's start a list, shall we?  Maybe the universe could find a way to make just a few of these things happen.

A decent, affordable, tasty cup of coffee in the morning.  I don't brew a pot at home just to get one cup.  It's not cost effective and my coffee is cold by the time I walk to work.
An actual result from the weeks of starving, exercising, denying I've been doing.
Enough money in the bank to pay for my food, my bills, my cat, my prescriptions, some new clothes (for the new body that will happen - or the old fat one that is hanging around) my ticket to Boston and some fun in Paris.
A purse that allows me to carry my phone, my wallet, my sunglasses, my eyeglass cleaner, some pens and a note pad, gum, hand lotion, a couple tampons, keys, a few pictures and a chapstick.  And enough extra space to throw in a bagel or a yougurt and a piece of fruit in the morning without needing to pack another entire bag!
A clean car - inside and out.  And the money to get an oil change!
A series of warm, summer days.  Complete with picnics and barbecues, wine and margaritas, bare skin and laughter. And nice long walks in the sun - helping my body AND my mind feel better.
A clean house.  No dusts or smells or sticky floors. No hairballs or cat litter tracked everywhere.
Some real furniture - not the assemble yourself Target dorm room stuff that I've had to live with for 6 years now.

Time to spend with people I love.  Freedom to express myself without fear of misunderstanding.  Love that makes me feel more connected and real, not less than I am.
Forgiveness from anyone I have offended, hurt, scared off, pissed off, made cry or made angry. 
I'm trying to get better.  I'm trying to do better.  I'm trying to be better.  It's just so hard right now.