Friday, March 12, 2010

Random Thoughts's one of those days again. Maybe it's the rain. Maybe it's that I still haven't completely recovered from my horrible bout of food poisoning. Maybe it's just that I'm completely f*cked.

Gray - and not just the skies. Gray everywhere. One of my favorite Dave Matthews Band songs is Gray Street. Maybe favorite isn't the right word - most fitting for me and how I feel sometimes.

She thinks, "Hey,
How did I come to this?
I dream myself a thousand times around the world,
But I can't get out of this place"

There's an emptiness inside her
And she'd do anything to fill it in
But all the colors mix together - to gray
And it breaks her heart

There's nothing I can point to, no trigger that has turned this feeling on.  I'm completely vulnerable and burst into tears over the smallest things.  Good and bad.  Someone can tell me I'm looking good today, and I'll cry.  Then the next person can walk past me like I'm invisible...tears.   I really hate this place - and the worst part is the feeling that nothing will make it better.   Fortunately, I know that's not true.  Some good sleep, good food, exercise, and writing will make it better.

Already the signs are shifting.  Just getting these nasty thoughts out of my head and onto the page is making a difference.

Now a little lunch...let's see how that helps.

And now it's a whole day later - and I still feel very fragile.  I'm trying to embrace the pain and fear and believe that this is all the birth of a newer, better me.  But god it hurts.

Why does it just feel that no matter how much I give? no matter how much I love?  no matter how much I do?  it just isn't enough.  I am just not enough. They always want more.  If I just break into a million tiny pieces and blow into dust, will that be enough?  Will that finally be enough?