Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Birthday Bliss?

Today is my birthday.  Today, I am 54  years old.  I didn't expect to see this day.  I didn't expect to live this long.  You see, 10 years ago, on my 44th birthday, I was going to end my life.

I was lost. Lost to myself.  Lost to my sense of purpose.  Lost to joy and love and all the things that make a life worthwhile. Lost.  But something else happened.  Something amazing.  Call it an angel. Call it grace. Call is spirit, coincidence, synchronicity.  Call it bullshit.

The universe wasn't through with me and so I didn't die.

The past 10 years have not been easy.  It has not been all roses and sunshine and waking up every day  ready to seize life and live it to the fullest.  Many days were dark and lonely and locked me in some super ninja nasty hold that slapped me around and knocked me on my ass. But I learned from those days.  I am a better me because of them.  And I have more good days than bad days now.

The past 10 years have had loss - death - mourning; of dreams, of hope, of love.  There have been changes great and small.  And there have been gifts, blessings, moments of bliss beyond my imagination.  And so today I think...I would have missed so much!

I would never have had the opportunity to meet and get to know so many amazing people, both in virtual and in real life.  That would have been a real loss, because these people add to the richness of my life every day and I love them so very much.

I would have missed knowing the amazing woman my daughter has become. And my wonderful grandchildren who bring me such joy.  And my nieces and nephews and my great nieces and nephews.  And I would not have known what cool and smart and wonderful people my siblings are.

I would not have had my heart broken.  I would not have experienced and survived the most horrible thing a woman can have happen to them - my rape.  I would not have learned how strong I am. How capable I am.  How smart and funny I am.  How loving and passionate I am. How human I am.

And so today - I am alive.  I am grateful.  And I am overwhelmed by the love and kindness that have been showered on me.  I'm so glad I decided to stick around and fight for me. Myself. I.

I can't wait to see what the next 10 years will bring me.