Thursday, July 30, 2009

Random Thought Process Thursday 7/30/09

I missed the process last week. It was strange week for me. On Tuesday, one of my coworkers suddenly died. He was a big guy, only a year younger than me, and while he wasn’t in the greatest shape, I don’t think anyone expected him to die. He didn’t show up for work and didn’t answer any calls or pages. That was unusual for this guy. He was always right on it – even if your call was in the middle of the night. So when lunchtime came and went and still nothing, his supervisor went to his home and found him dead in his living room. Looked like he was sleeping. Probably a heart attack.

Well, that set the tone for the rest of the week. Everyone at work was either freaked out about Eric or worried about the rest of us who live alone. There are about 5 of us who don’t have a significant other and in my case, don’t see other people on a daily basis except for people at work. If something were to happen to me, it might take a while for anyone to notice. That is one thing I’m always afraid of. My cat will be howling for food and the neighbors will finally get tired of it and someone will find me with Sol gnawing on my fingers. Hey it could happen!

By Friday, between the death and the fretting and the HEAT – I was exhausted. It wasn’t until I was driving home Friday night that I realized I had missed BTPT. Oh well – better luck next week.

It’s Monday now. I’ve been out at Elmonica rail facility since 6:30 this morning. I’ve seen just about everyone on staff here – it’s a small facility – and soon I’ll get in my HOT car and drive to Merlo garage for the afternoon training. It’s nice to be appreciated. I do get lots of feedback from the guys out here and they do appreciate that someone takes the time to spend 30 or 40 minutes showing them how to navigate in the new Office suite. It’s a tough job, but someone has to do it.

Tonight is pub quiz…one of the highlights of my week. I love going out where being smart is an asset and not a liability. All those years of Jeopardy have not been in vain!

And it’s Tuesday. Yesterday was FREAKIN’ HOT! I went out to my car at 4:30 to drive home from Beaverton to Southeast Portland. A 25 minute trip when there is no traffic…but wait…there’s always traffic on this particular stretch of highway. I’m just hoping there are no accidents or delays. My car is black and has no air conditioning. It’s been sitting in the sun for 4 hours – window are down, but still. It was an oven. Miraculously I made it home in about 35 minutes. Dripping sweat. Hit the shower and laid on the bed with a fan blowing on me. Did a little facebook…started sweating again…more shower and then off to pub quiz at the lovely air conditioned CC Slaughters. I love my boys. We just sat in the cool air and sipped water and played a kick ass round of pub quiz. Took home $ 10.00 each. Sweet!

So I’ve been inside all day – inside air conditioning – teaching Word and Excel to some people who really know and understand the power of a tool that you can learn to make work for you. And some who just get mad that they can’t do it their way! Maybe because your way is friggin’ stupid?? Why would you want to control every little particle of formatting when you can click a button and have a beautiful heading, centered, colored and way more professional that your little micromanaged document looks. I just don’t get it. Anyhoo…it’s time for yoga now. We’ve expanded to two nights a week. I know it’s going to be hot but I really need it. My brain and body are just spent.

Wednesday. I thought Monday was HOT. Tuesday and now today have that in spades. It’s getting over 100 – well over 100 in some places – during the day and not cooling much at night. It was already 90 when I got up this morning at 6. Poor Sol is just miserable. I keep rubbing him with a damp cloth, wetting his fur as much as he’ll let me until he runs and hides. This morning, he just stood at my feet when I got out of the shower and let the drops rain down on him. He even rubbed on my wet legs to get more water on him. At least I have a solution for him. Me…I slept about 3 hours total, kept waking up sticking to myself and my sheets. Finally had to take a shower at about 2:30 just so I could get a little bit of sleep!

I’m trying to think of some alternative for tonight. It’s not supposed to cool off until the weekend. Which means the funeral service for the guy who died will be held in the heat on Friday! Wonderful. But I’m thinking dinner out someplace cheap but cool. Maybe a movie someplace cheap but cool. Then see if I can stand being at home to sleep. But it all takes money. Not that I object to people needing to make a buck. But let’s talk humanity. I think movie theatres should just throw open their doors-maybe charge a buck to come in. They’d sell enough concessions to make up for it and people would get out of the heat. If I ruled the world – that’s what I would do. It’s not that different from when I was stranded at the airport last Christmas. There were a few stores on the concourse that stayed open all night for several days. People could browse, sit, sleep and it helped make a frustrating situation a little more bearable. Why is it that just because it’s warm, we assume that people are more free to make themselves comfortable? Extreme situations are just that…extreme…out of the norm…unusual. So I think extraordinary measures are called for. Hey! Maybe I’ll go sleep at the airport!! J

Thursday – it’s a little cooler. Only 94 instead of 104+. I actually managed to get some sleep last night, probably just because I was so tired, but after I had dinner, I went home to check on Sol and ended up falling asleep for about 40 minutes. By then, I figured I’d just stay home and watch So You Think You Can Dance, and see if it cooled off. It was about 80 when I went to bed and while I still woke up a few times in the night, it was bearable. I’m so glad. Because I’m going to a baseball game tonight! Need to get some cool drinks and just enjoy the game.

This week has gone on forever. Maybe it’s just that my energy was sapped every time I tried to do anything. But I’m glad it’s nearly over. I hope the weather continues to cool. I’m not looking for rain, but just a normal Oregon summer with temps in the upper 70s to low 80s…breezes at night…and a general sense of well being in the world.

Thanks for reading. Be sure to check with the rest of the RTPT gang – Bridgete, Ginger, and She Who Started it All – Jenn.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Random Thought Process - 7/16/09

It's Thursday again. Wow the week is just flying by. I like it when I'm so busy that my work week sails past. But then the weekend is just so short.

Just had a great class. Access. I like teaching Access - because more than any other class I teach, people really begin to see the power that software can have and they start to get creative in their requirements. Granted, there is always someone who dreams a little bigger than their abilities. But it's nice to get people excited about what they can do. Makes me wish I had more time to work on my own databases that I keep meaning to do. :)

So the flirty guy isn't flirting anymore. Guess either I'm not as hot as I imagine or he's found someone else who turns his head a bit more. Trying not to let it get to me. But I am reaching a place in my life where I'm either going to have to get serious about finding someone who can put up with me...or settle for the idea that I'm going to be alone. Maybe date occasionally. Maybe find someone who can spend a weekend or a week with me. But finding someone to build a future with - nope...starting to think that's just not going to happen.

Mostly I'm okay with that. But there is that little nagging voice at the back of my head that wonders why it's so hard to find someone. I'm pretty damn fabulous! So why doesn't someone see that? Have I built my walls so high and thick that no one wants to even try and scale them? I know...fairy tale metaphor. But there is something to those tales. Women do have to protect themselves. And men do have to risk something to win us. I want to believe I'm worth the effort. My therapist always told me to expect more from people, not less. I'm going to hold on to that. Even as I lie in bed with tears on the pillow wondering when I can feel loving arms around me and know that I'll always have that.

Tonight I get to see Storm Large (yes Storm Large from Rock Star:Supernova AND from Portland) Her show Crazy Enough has been sold out for weeks at Portland Center Stage. I've been trying to get in since May! Going with a group of friends. Meeting for dinner and then on to the theater. I've been getting out more lately. That's good for me too. Ballet, theater, just being with creative minds, not being alone so much. I think too much.

Anyway, I hope my headache is gone by then. Woke up with a real killer today. No real reason why. But I know I'm ready to be done with it. Time to wind up. Lunchtime is over and I have to get back to my post.

Check out other RTPT with Jenn, Bridgete, and Ginger

Thanks for reading.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

RTPT- actually on a thursday!

True Randomness...I'm teaching in 20 minutes. Then I'll get a break for lunch. Back to work. Break. Yoga. And then home.

This morning I'm thinking about this guy that has been flirting with me. He's young and cute and makes me feel all sexy and stuff. But...he's really just good for an afternoon. You know what I mean? Not that there's anything wrong with a nice afternoon...or a nice weekend for that matter. But if what I really want is a nice partner, do I enjoy the occasional weekend while I'm waiting for him to show up? Guess there is still a part of me that is a good Catholic girl and wants to keep certain things only for very special people.

Remember the downstairs neighbor - we'll just call her "CU" for short. Well, the other night, some guy pulls up in front of the complex, music blasting for blocks. Hops out and heads right toward her place. I knew she had a date coming over because she had arrived home shortly before, slamming doors and running the vacuum and tossing her garbage out the back door. He slams the door so hard, pictures rattle on my wall! Then the music starts blasting again and they start talking. I mean, I guess they were talking. It was so loud, I thought they might be having a fight. I gave up trying to hear the TV and went into my kitchen and did the dishes. Then I decided to vacuum.

So there I am vacuuming away and she comes and knocks on MY door, asking me if I could keep it down! Well - I told the bitch off. Nicely of course. Because I'm so nice. She tried to pretend that she didn't know anyone was living upstairs. She thought I moved out. Anyway. She really pissed me off good. And things have been relatively quiet down there. Meaning I can still hear her when she's at home. Doors still get slammed and trash still gets left out in the hall. But she has kept the conversation and music down to a low murmur. But I tell you...this is war....

Time to get ready to teach. later....

I'm back. Class was good today. Lots of questions, lots of fun. I like this. It makes the days just fly by. The draw back is...I don't have as much time to browse the net, read my blogs, catch up on other work. And I have this great kink in my neck now. Time to call Athena. My chiropractor's name is Athena. And she is a goddess. The kink is making it difficult to be on my laptop at home. I have a pretty funky setup there, one that lets me be more serious about my computer time at my desk. One that lets me be lazy and chat and watch tv and be with the cat. That's been the mode lately...and my neck is paying for it. Had to put the hot pack on it last night. I'll try to stretch it out in yoga tonight. See if that helps.

Time to get back to work. Got a stack of stuff on my desk to deal with before my staff meeting at 1:30. thanks for reading.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Real Freedom

I cannot take credit for the following. It was part of an email I received from my friend Kate Hawkes 5 years ago.

I still think there is much to think about here. Real Independence. Real Freedom. Not just flag waving and fireworks.

I wish you all peace and REAL freedom.

- kc

So the madness of the rush to celebrate is over. While it feels entirely appropriate for children to express their excitement with noise and bright lights and a frantic There it is! and Look! and Where is the next bright bang? I find that I am less in sync with that and more wanting to reassure the dog, admire the cat's ability to ignore it all (mind you she doesn't want to go outside) and wait until it is quiet again. I don't think that I am getting old and stodgy. I just realize, perhaps, that the colored lights, huge noises and the bigger, brighter more breathtakingly violent expressions of 'independence miss the real quality of that gift.
Surprisingly, real independence is in the still center, where we are responsible to others and ourselves, to some extent alone to make our own mistakes, and then to truly have real pride in our own achievements. That is real freedom. I wonder if the world we live in is afraid of that real freedom - is it easier to have others make the rules? Others to go to when something goes wrong? To hold them responsible? To get permission to see what we should and shouldn't do in our lives? And as more of those rules leak into our daily lives so we move further and further away from being able to both appreciate and express our freedom. We need more noise and brighter lights to hide from the still, quiet center of freedom... better this unceasing entertainment of talking about freedom than the more frightening and often rather dull act of living it.
So when the last explosion with the last sharp blossom fades out of the night sky, the night sounds settle back over the dark skyline, and the dog stops shaking, then I celebrate.
I wish for my daughter the courage to really live with/in freedom, examples from which to learn on how to do that, and the time and space to sit in the midst of that still quiet center often enough to recognize it when out in the noise of the world.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Random Thought Process Thurs...oh hell with it....

It's hot. I don't say that very often. See I have a sluggish thyroid and I'm usually cold. So if I'm sitting here at 9:30 at night with a fan blowing and I'm still sweating...it's hot. I feel bad that it's hot because my daughter has been complaining about the lack of sunshine in Boston. Not that I can do anything about it - but still. I feel bad.

I started sending cards to my mother this week. She's in a foster home now and they are trying to get her to start eating and taking her meds and doing her physical therapy. But I think she's truly lost the will to live now. This is really hard for me. Whatever else has passed between us, whatever narcissistic parenting she practiced, she's still my mother. And she's dying. I can't go visit her. I don't have the money or the time. So I hope she'll still be there in the fall and I hope to be able to take a weekend and visit her. In the meantime, I'll send her a card or note every week and let her know that she is still in my heart.

I'm tremendously frustrated by the political picture in this country. I voted for President Obama because I wanted change. I needed change. I want leadership that stands up to all the bullshit herding and finger pointing and name calling and just says - NO. I understand that you want to represent everyone and you want to be the president to everyone. But there are those out there who will never accept you as their president. They call you the teleprompter president like their own Bush and Reagan's never prepared speeches and read them to you. I'm just frustrated and even scared that the herd will follow someone like Sarah Palin "who talks like we do" and then we are really screwed. God help us.

I want him to lead...audaciously lead and stop the fear mongering and hate out there. Just lead.

I'm really cranky tonight. Hot and have a kidney infection and the damn Cipro makes my joints hurt and I can't drink enough and....just...blah.