Skip to main content

I've lost them

"Losing your marbles was an expression pleasing to Spooner's ear from the first time he heard it...He knew from experience that it could be disorienting, walking around without your ordinary number of marbles and trying to put your finger on where you lost the ones that were missing."  - Pete Dexter, SPOONER

I've been reading this fabulous book by Pete Dexter.  It makes me laugh out loud and then it makes me cry.  And all of it makes me think.  When I read the above portion last week, it was one of those gifts that come along just when you need it.  I definitely feel like I'm losing my marbles.  And not just my marbles.  I'm losing people, losing touch, losing sight of the positive, losing the battle, losing....

My best friend looked at me this morning and immediately knew I was sad.  Not the deep scary sad I used to get, but definitely sad.  And I can't tell you why.  There are half a dozen good reasons for me to be sad. 
My mother died and things were never resolved between us.  But they never were going to be - and I accepted that a long time ago. 
My best friend's father is dying, slowly and painfully and she's going through hell watching it and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.
People are going to lose their jobs at my work.  It's unavoidable.  But there's no other way to keep the doors open for business. 
My daughter lives too far away.  I know we talk and write and all is good there - I'm not losing her.  But I just want to hug her. 
The world seems to have lost it's marbles too.  There's a backlash of anti-intellectualism that has people leaping and reacting emotionally to any change while at the same time screaming that things can't keep going this way. 
Mother nature is totally pissed off. 
And I just can't get a good night's sleep anymore.

And then there's this empty place inside me - this hole - that is always there and always empty.  I've tried to fill it with love and sex and food and attention and obsession and regret and guilt and shame. But no matter what I do, it's always there.  I know I was made this way for a reason.  At least I hope there's a reason for it all. 

So maybe the answer is to just accept the emptiness.  Not to worry about the hole.  Not to mind what's missing.  To feel sad and mourn and weep and let go.  Not get so attached to any outcome, good or bad, that I am unable to embrace what is.  Just don't worry about the marbles.

"The key, therefore, from early on, had been not to get so attached to your marbles that you would miss a few if they escaped."

Comments

Jenn said…
I hope you know that there are those of us who can sympathize and empathize with so much of what you're going through. HUG!!!!
Bert said…
An extra BIG hug for my dearest KC.

Popular posts from this blog

A Good Man

Roger M Watt - April 8, 1914 - March 27, 1981

My father was a good man.  He was born in Oklahoma 98 years ago today.  He grew up during the First World War and the economic boom of the 20s.  When the bust happened, he moved to Los Angeles with his family.  In 1934, he met my mother at a Halloween Party.  He was 20, she was 15, and he was in love for life.  The raven haired, dark eyed beauty won his heart and his devotion. When my mother became bedridden with tuberculosis, he visited her every day, bringing her books from the library and news of the world.  They married on Father's Day in 1939. 
During the final years of the Second World War, my father was drafted into military service and left my mother with her parents - pregnant with their third child and my brother Jim and sister Judie.  He contracted malaria in the Philippines and spent most of his service in a hospital in Hawaii. 
On March 27, 1946 my parents and their three children moved to Grants Pass, Oregon.  This is w…

Movie Madness - MELANCHOLIA

From the opening moments of Lars VonTrier's latest film MELANCHOLIA (2011), I was hooked.  The exquisite extreme slow motion movement is beautifully orchestrated by Wagner's Prelude to Tristan and Isolde.  We see a bride moving as roots tear at her feet, a mother clutching a child, a horse laying down all as two planets come hurtling toward one another to the inevitable end - the consumption of one planet by another.  It's only later that we learn the larger planet is Melancholia and it is headed toward Earth; because after this beautiful prologue we are thrust into the marriage of Justine (Kirsten Dunst) and Michael (Alexander Skarsgard)*.  Justine and Michael are late for the very elaborate reception being hosted by Justine's sister Claire (Charlotte Gainsbourg) and her husband John (Kiefer Sutherland).  As the evening rolls on, it's clear that Claire is hanging on by the thinnest of threads and Claire and John are frustrated by her reluctance to put on a good sh…

I may have to move to Massachusetts

Elizabeth Warren

So remember how I was ranting about how everyone needs to do their part or this country isn't going to be better.  Elizabeth Warren, who was bashed in her Senate hearings and is now running to oust Scott Brown from his seat in Massachusetts, summed it up beautifully for me. 

My favorite part is "But part of the underlying social contract is you take a hunk of that and pay forward for the next kid who comes along."  That's what I think this country has lost sight of.  It's a social contract that we agree to in how things will be done here.  The past few decades have been full of finger pointing and blame and not a lot of agreement.

I just don't think that things will get better until we all agree to - well - as I like to say...put on the big girl pants and get to work.  I may not like EVERY decision, but if I can see that your position is for the greater good of the country, I can agree to work for it.  The ME generation has to grow up now and…