Thursday, July 29, 2010

Existential Crisis

I couldn't think of a better title.  I'm not really having an existential crisis, not questioning my place in the great scheme of things; but I am having some sort of of "what now?" moment.  At this very moment, my daughter Bridgete is enduring the last day of the Massachusetts State Bar exam.   All my energy is directed at her and holding her in my thoughts.  It's the least I can do.  It's the only thing I can do from here.  And it's probably best that I am here and not anywhere near her.  I'd be one of those  awful hovering parents - and I don't hover well. 

But I love well.  As much as it breaks my heart to be so far from her, I celebrate the fact that she has become this amazing person.  So strong and capable.  Wise and funny.  Kind and honest.  With such great friends, people I would be proud to call my friends.  And I just sit back and love her. 

There is great joy in being a parent at these moments.  And there is great sadness as well.  I can't fix her boo-boos with a kiss and a Popples band-aid.  I can't give her pudding cups and strawberry milkshakes and get her to laugh again.  Well, sometimes I can.  And I have a huge fear of letting her down, because she is beyond me now.  Smarter and braver and surer of herself.  And I just sit back and love her. 

And I love her well.


Bridgete said...

You can't let me down. You've done everything a mother should do and more, and you keep doing it. You're supposed to love me and encourage me to follow my dreams. That's all. And that's what you do. How can you possibly let me down when that's all you're supposed to do?


Bert said...

Bridgete is so lucky to have a mother who loves unconditionally . It would be a different world if everyone had someone like you in their life. I love you KC.