Sunday, February 13, 2011

IN THE BALANCE

I seem to be on the verge of making a choice.  Problem is, I don't know what I'm choosing between.  Everything that I would like to see in my life seems just out of reach, and if I will just commit, then I can have...something.

I've been making small changes in various parts of my life; my health, my work, my creativity, my friendships and family; and while these small changes are making a difference, I feel that I have to commit, fully commit, to those that are the most important in order to actually attain my goals.

So what is more important to me?  Do I work on my novel and forgo time with my friends and family? Do I fully commit to changing my health and avoid situations where I will eat too much, drink too much and be far to inactive?  Do I decide that getting back to Paris at the earliest possible moment is the most important thing to me and get a second job so that I can pay off my debts, save for the trip I really want to take, and again, forgo time with my friends and family?  Or do I decide that who I am with is far more important than what I do creatively, what I eat and drink, and whether or not I can travel?

Why can't I have it all?  Are my wishes so far out of touch with reality? Why do others seem to have healthy lives, good paying jobs, creative outlets and lots of loving friends and family members who fill their days and nights with new exotic places and experiences; while I go forward slowly changing in tiny ways hoping for a major change.

I do believe in small changes.  Turn your path one degree from where you are headed and in a year or five or ten, you find yourself in a place you never imagined.  I have seen it to be true in my life.  And those changes are far more lasting and real than a temporal, transitory moment. 

I think I just made my decision.  Stay with my path.  Make my small, manageable changes and keep working for the things I truly want in my life.  I want a more healthy me, in body, in mind, in love, in life, in experiences.  I believe I can achieve it.

3 comments:

Bridgete said...

I'm doing a consistent 20 hours a week with my research job, and whatever they give me at Vicky's on top of it. Usually that means I'm working more than 40 hours a week lately. It's exhausting. I'm watching less TV than I did during law school. I hardly see Marcelo...well, I see him, but I'm researching on my computer most of the time so it's sort of like I'm not here. I mean, I know I'll be busy when I start my law firm, but I don't think I'll honestly be this EXHAUSTED. So, basically...don't get a second job. You'll hate it.

As for the rest...yes, make small changes towards what you want and you should get there.

Love you. xoxo. ♥

Jenn Flynn-Shon said...

It sounds like maybe you just had to write it all down to work it out huh? I've been going through a lot of that lately too. Friends, family, Matt -- when i devote time there things like the house, pursuing work, and being creative fall by the wayside. And of course vice versa. Don't think anyone really has it all figured out, if they claim to I'm always sceptical. No one can do it all my friend :-)

Bert said...

I admit I am being selfish but if you take a second job, I might never hear from you . So please , please KC go back to relying on winning the lottery.
Love you .