I seem to be on the verge of making a choice. Problem is, I don't know what I'm choosing between. Everything that I would like to see in my life seems just out of reach, and if I will just commit, then I can have...something.
I've been making small changes in various parts of my life; my health, my work, my creativity, my friendships and family; and while these small changes are making a difference, I feel that I have to commit, fully commit, to those that are the most important in order to actually attain my goals.
So what is more important to me? Do I work on my novel and forgo time with my friends and family? Do I fully commit to changing my health and avoid situations where I will eat too much, drink too much and be far to inactive? Do I decide that getting back to Paris at the earliest possible moment is the most important thing to me and get a second job so that I can pay off my debts, save for the trip I really want to take, and again, forgo time with my friends and family? Or do I decide that who I am with is far more important than what I do creatively, what I eat and drink, and whether or not I can travel?
Why can't I have it all? Are my wishes so far out of touch with reality? Why do others seem to have healthy lives, good paying jobs, creative outlets and lots of loving friends and family members who fill their days and nights with new exotic places and experiences; while I go forward slowly changing in tiny ways hoping for a major change.
I do believe in small changes. Turn your path one degree from where you are headed and in a year or five or ten, you find yourself in a place you never imagined. I have seen it to be true in my life. And those changes are far more lasting and real than a temporal, transitory moment.
I think I just made my decision. Stay with my path. Make my small, manageable changes and keep working for the things I truly want in my life. I want a more healthy me, in body, in mind, in love, in life, in experiences. I believe I can achieve it.