Thursday, May 5, 2011

Where did I go wrong?

Fair warning, this is gonna be a long post about how I'm feeling the blues these days.  Feeling it bad.  I need to get this stuff off my chest, out of my head, out of my heart and see if I can't shift the energy around me.  So if you aren't in a place to listen to me bitch and whine and moan about poor, poor me, then go away.  I know I'm having a pity party - but if I can't party here - I'll just go home and have it there, all by myself.

Lately I'm feeling like nothing in my life is the way I would have it - and I don't know how or why it is and I have to find a way to either change it or accept it.  Probably a little bit of both.  I know the signs - my soul is uneasy, my eyes don't want to open in the morning, and the last place I want to be is with other people.  Never a good sign for a chronic depressive.

1) My job is really annoying me lately.  Everyone is feeling the pain of no wage increases for 3 years and yet everything from soup to nuts is costing more than it did 3 years ago.  And I'm starting to worry about things like retirement, health care, etc.  I can't even save 100.00 from paycheck to paycheck and I'm supposed to feel like I can even think about retirement in the next 15 years?  Not likely.  If things were going like I would have it, I'd have a nice cushion in savings - 10K or so - so that I could do some traveling before I get too much older, get those new glasses I really, really need, replace my couch, maybe even move to a place much more suited to me and my lifestyle.
Which brings me to
2) My apartment.  Maybe it's that now I have too many bad memories associated with it or that I just really need to be in a duplex/fourplex/with age appropriate, sound level appropriate, life appropriate neighbors.  Since moving 4 years ago, I've had a series of downstairs neighbors that have progressively become worse about living with others.  The lack of consideration, politeness, compassion gets worse with each neighbor.  First there were the boys who played video games with loud bombing sound effects at all hours.  Then Scott - I liked Scott.  He went to work at 6 AM too, so he was really quiet at night.  But he was only there for a few months and then he had to rescue his dog from his ex-wife and so he needed to move a place where he could have his dog.
Then there was the doctor/resident/student?  I never worked out what she did.  She had the oddest hours.  So I could never tell when she was going to be using the hot water.  She also liked to slam doors and leave the hallway doors open so that Sol would escape outside randomly.  And bugs and other critters could also get in.  And rain.  And cold.  And heat.  She was pretty annoying, but at least I could sleep most of the time.
After her, there was a lull.  2 or 3 months when the place was empty.  I really enjoyed that.  Then the young couple moved in - and they were pretty cool.  Odd hours and the occasional party.  They were in theater - so I kind of liked them too.  They didn't last long.  They broke up - or the summer stock was over - or something like that.  Then again the apartment stood vacant for several months.  I was beginning to think that it was going to stay empty until the new neighbors.  When I met them, I tried really hard not to judge.  Okay, they wore black, they had tattoos and piercings, but they were basically really nice young girls a few years younger than my daughter.  They asked me very nicely to move my car when they were moving in and were very appreciative when I did so.  I gave them a couple of weeks to settle in - there's always lots of moving around and hammering nails and stuff that isn't normal activity when you move in somewhere.  Then the weekly parties started.  Okay, you have friends and you want to spend time with them.  Are you girls now the only ones with a place that isn't mom and dads, so everyone gathers here?  Not cool.  Especially when the party doesn't even start until 10PM and you don't seem to differentiate between weekdays and weekends.  I don't think of myself as a crabby old lady, but I'm quickly becoming one.  Yesterday I went down IN MY PJs at 10:30...I have to sleep!  I'm sure I was real picture.  Boobs hanging down, hair all askew, my frustration and exhaustion all over my face.  They did turn the music down and the party either broke up or moved somewhere else.  But I don't think they will think to kindly of me anymore.  And that breaks my heart.
So - frustrated at work.  Frustrated at home.
3)Frustrated with my art.  How can I even start to edit my book when I can't have some peace and quiet in which to work on it?  And that just pisses me off even more.
4)Then there's my whole body - diet thing.  Don't even go there.  I've cocooned myself in this protective wall of fat - because I can't risk anyone getting close - not after the last time, and the time before that, and the time before that.  I look at myself in the mirror and tell myself that I'm ready to step out from behind this wall.  And I'm strong enough to know how to care for myself now.  And that I'm ready to risk my heart again.  And that it won't happen overnight - but I do know how to do this and I am ready to be pretty again.  I don't have to be afraid and I can be in charge of my heart.  But can I?  Won't I just get trampled all over again?
I watch my ex-husband find love (Bridgete don't read this...I don't want you to be upset with him...this is ME)
5)Anyway - I watch him turn himself inside out for this other woman and I don't understand why he couldn't do that for me?  Why does she get the wedding?  The house? The vacations?  The...whatever?  And it's not just him - it's Guy and David and every man I ever loved who can give and give and give to any woman but me.
So I don't have the job, the home, the art, the body, the love, the life I would have.  And I have to wonder why?  Where did I screw up so badly that god or whoever decided I should be punished?  What is the great sin that I committed?  And how do I atone?

That's the big question today.  How do I atone for my sin (or the sins of my forefathers and foremothers) ?  How do I make a change that will change my heart and mind and soul and body for the good?  I know better than to just ask for Change...that's the way to more pain for sure.  So I have to have a picture of what I'm asking for - an idea of the Change that I would seek - and a clear step to take.

But right now - I just wonder - where did I go wrong?

4 comments:

Jenn Flynn-Shon said...

It sounds like you're at least taking steps to get yourself on the path you want, that's encouraging. Asking these questions will hopefully help you sort it all out. Obviously there is no advice or suggestion I can make seeing as though I'm not you, but just know that your courage to just put it out there and ask at all is inspiring to read. It makes me proud to call someone, with more courage and will than she lets herself believe, a friend ♥

Bert said...

When you feel down , think about the abundance of friends you have who really care about you . That is PRICELESS !

I love you KC.

suzy said...

Oh KC!!! How I totally understand your frustrations! In SOOOO Many ways! We'll give each other BiG Hugs on Saturday!! Hang in there, keep thinking positive!! Love You!!! Suzy

The Tame Lion said...

You didn't do anything wrong, it's just life.
Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance.