I woke in the middle of the night with tears running down my face, crying out to my mother...."You have no idea what you missed." I was in the middle of one of those extensive cinematic dreams complete with the fabulous scene where the main character (me) finally confronts their obstacles (mother) and either 1) Hollywood ending - everything is perfectly and miraculously resolved. 2) Hero realizes that s/he cannot change the world and moves on to change his/her self.
My mother is 90. I'm 48. She isn't going to change. And the only person I can heal in this life is myself. So I guess I have ending number 2 now. But she really has no idea what she missed and it makes me very sad. What makes me even sadder is that she isn't the only one who doesn't realize what they missed by trying to make me the person they needed or wanted and failed to see the person who was standing right there. It hurts. And I'm tired of pretending it doesn't. I don't ask anyone to take away my hurt. But don't ask me to pretend that there isn't a gap between what I should have had, especially from my mother, and what I got. It left a hole in my heart and I'm doing my best to heal that.
So....to all of you I have loved and lost.
You thought I would change your life, but your life wasn't ready to be changed. You have no idea what you missed.
You thought I could be shaped into what you wanted. You found out that I was stronger than you knew. You have no idea what you missed.
You loved my passion, until it was for something you didn't understand. You have no idea what you missed.
You thought me easy, fun, smart, quick, a good listener, a fabulous fuck, a partner, lover, friend. You found out I was complex, moody, messy, needy, passionate, committed, human...and more than you wanted to deal with. You have no idea what you missed.
I know I'm not perfect. I don't ask for perfect. But I do ask to be loved as I am...messy and complicated as that is. And you have NO IDEA what you missed.