Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Still searching

I've been subjecting myself to a little deprivation of late. Reading deprivation. It's part of my Artist's Way group - and I forgot how hard this was. Obviously, one cannot completely stop reading. I'm in the middle of 2 major work projects that require me to write and edit (which means READ) training materials. And work is all about projects these days.

But I find myself leafing through catalogs, magazines, advertising of all kinds searching for ideas for Christmas. For recipes, gifts, decorations. Then I suddenly realize...I'M READING!...and I put it down and try to focus inward; see what my heart says about all the busy-ness I'm caught up in. I'm learning how often I silence my heart with busy-ness. I'm realizing that I haven't listened to it in quite a while. And why is that?

Do I feel guilty for not taking care of things that I know I should be taking care of? Do I feel ashamed that I have ignored the longings of my heart? And the answer is...Yes. I do.

I have felt lately that there is something coming for me. I don't know what it is. I don' t know if it will be a choice that will leave me with guilt or shame. I pray that it will be neither. I am trying to prepare for that gift. I don't want to miss that opportunity. So I am learning to care for myself, nurture my mind and my body, give myself time to heal and prepare. Learn that I am deserving of my good...of my God.

Race drivers have to learn to look away from the wall. They have to be taught to focus on the goal, because study has shown that we unconsciously steer where we are looking. So a driver that looks at the wall, fearful of hitting it, unconsciously goes to the very thing he feared.

I have to look away from the wall. I have to teach myself to stop looking at the things I fear and focus where I want to go. Even if the goal is not clear yet, I have a sense of where that is, so I have to steer toward it...and away from my walls. I may not know what the winner's circle holds, but I'll never get there by looking at the walls.

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