Thursday, June 4, 2009

Broken Thought Process Thursday....or something like that

Jenn has this blog - Random Lunacy and she does this thing on Thursday's called Broken Thought Process. I thought I'd give it a try. I've been challenging myself to blog at least once a week and this seemed like a good way to start.
Here's a broken thought process for you. It just started to rain. All week long, the air has been heavy and humid. Well, humid for Oregon. And now the sky has this strange diffused light...wait a second.
Wow! This broken thought thing really works. I no sooner started this post and began to comment on the weather than everyone at the office starts running over to the windows to look. There's a tornado warning for tonight. What?? I live in Oregon. Calm, wet, peaceful Oregon. Seasons yes...but nothing really drastic. This winter we have a blizzard that nearly keeps me from being with my daughter on Christmas. And now this freak storm. I walked to my yoga class and the wind was incredible. Lots of dust and debris flying around. The trees are whipping around like mad. But it's warm - very warm.
Yoga was just what I needed. I've been carrying a lot of stress these days, especially in my back just under my shoulder blades. I've been getting very ticked off lately - which I don't do well with. I wasn't raised with the tools to express anger. I never really feel comfortable with it. I try to explain it way, take the burden of guilt on myself, worry about what someone else feels and how I can make it right. I stretched and took lots of deep breaths for an hour. Then I walked home.
It rained while I was in yoga. The air was soft and had that wonderful smell. I was greeted by a very frantic cat when I got home. He's still on my lap seeking reassurance. Looks like some limbs got blown off some trees, but I think the worst of it has passed.
Back to this whole anger thing...I know that anger serves a very good purpose. I understand that when I am angry, I feel someone has threatened me in some way. My physical, psychological, spiritual self feels betrayed, abandoned, abused, violated in some way. The problem comes about because I don't always know what that threat is. I've internalized and squelched my "bad" feelings for so long, that it can take me awhile to figure out exactly what I'm angry about.
Lately, I don't know what that is. I can point to any number of things. But until I am able to zero in on the source of this feeling, I can't know what to do about it.
So my dears, keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I need 'em.


Jenn said...

So first off hooray for playing along, thanks for that and the link love :-)

Wow, a tornado? That is insane! Climate change is too scary. Glad everyone was safe & no major damage occured.

Yoga, tough but relaxing. Is this a new class? Hopefully it will help you get centered to deal with the anger and push it right out!

ginger said...

i know this sounds like you'd be perpetuating the anger, but it helps.

sit and write a list of anything and everything you feel anger towards or matter how silly or small or petty. just do it without worrying about any repercussion. then, look over the list and acknowledge every single thing on that list as valid.
then, forgive them all, one by one. and if it's something you can't forgive at that moment then you can ask yourself what your lesson with that issue is.

get it? i hope you feel better soon my friend. xoxo

KC McAuley said...

Thank you both for your support. Ginger - I will try that. Something has to shift it. :)

Yeah - a tornado. Weird. And it took 5 days to get rid of the clouds and rain and get back to summer!

Bridgete said...

I love Ginger's idea. To build on that, once you pinpoint the anger, I would suggest saying what you would say to the cause of the anger, out loud, to a pillow or something. Even the cat, if you can avoid raising your voice. Knowing you, that's pretty likely. I do it all the time, it's part of my temper control. It also helps me cement the reasons behind the feeling, so if I do end up confronting the source, it will be easier to have a constructive conversation with them. A lot of the time I find that I don't even need to confront the source, I just needed to vent and let myself feel angry about it.

And I'm not too pleased about these random tornadoes in Oregon. Get your butt to Mass!

Love you.