Skip to main content


28 years ago, I was orphaned. Technically speaking, it was only my father who died. But after the initial shock of that loss diminished, I realized that my mother was not really a mother.

My mother is a good person. She's bright and strong willed and capable. She has a wide range of interests and was always good for a conversation on art, theatre, music, literature. But she wasn't built for mothering, especially to me. You see, she was in her early 40s when she had me. Her youngest was in school and at last she had time for herself. And a new baby wasn't about to stop her from getting that.

Does my mother love me? Yes. But does my mother really know me? Understand me? Feel joy in my joy and pain in my pain? Is she unconditionally there for me? No, she isn't. And she never was. Had I been a different sort of person, perhaps this wouldn't matter. But I am wired up to feel deeply. To seek a connection to others. To need a connection to others.

I have spent most of my life thinking I'm weird for being wired up the way I am. But lately, I've begun to believe that I'm more human for knowing that connection and empathy are the things that make me human. My capacity to feel is my gift. And I am right to honor it completely. Some situations need empathy. Compassion and doing the right thing instead of the smart thing is what will get me through. And I believe it is what will get us all through.

Yesterday, I was challenged to be honest. To be honest about my pain. Honest about my loneliness. Honest about my fears. This isn't easy for me to do. Not easy for me to ask for others to care about me. But I need. I need to laugh and cry and love. Everyone I meet, everyone I know is a chance for me to love, to learn, to grow. And staying safe, alone, afraid, makes me lost and lonely.

I miss my daughter. I miss hearing her laugh and the way she yells at bad drivers and her lack of patience with idiots.

I miss my father. I miss his joy and passion and his unconditional unending love.

I miss myself. I miss my laugh and my joy and my passion. I want. I need. I feel.


your honesty is inspiring. As well as your willingness to accept and embrace all parts of yourself, and to lie your needs, wants, feelings, out for all the world to see.
One of the most poignant and most honest sentences of this post is, "My capacity to feel is my gift." I am delighted to witness you being honest with YOURSELF in this way.
I love you.
Bridgete said…
Oh. You should hear me yelling at the drivers in Massachusetts.

I miss you too.
Bert said…
My dearest KC , your ability to feel has been your greatest gift to me . I love you for that and for just being you.
ginger said…
holy crap. after the comment you left on my blog today, this is uncanny. i could've written this about myself.

yes, something is afoot.

Popular posts from this blog

A Good Man

Roger M Watt - April 8, 1914 - March 27, 1981

My father was a good man.  He was born in Oklahoma 98 years ago today.  He grew up during the First World War and the economic boom of the 20s.  When the bust happened, he moved to Los Angeles with his family.  In 1934, he met my mother at a Halloween Party.  He was 20, she was 15, and he was in love for life.  The raven haired, dark eyed beauty won his heart and his devotion. When my mother became bedridden with tuberculosis, he visited her every day, bringing her books from the library and news of the world.  They married on Father's Day in 1939. 
During the final years of the Second World War, my father was drafted into military service and left my mother with her parents - pregnant with their third child and my brother Jim and sister Judie.  He contracted malaria in the Philippines and spent most of his service in a hospital in Hawaii. 
On March 27, 1946 my parents and their three children moved to Grants Pass, Oregon.  This is w…

Movie Madness - MELANCHOLIA

From the opening moments of Lars VonTrier's latest film MELANCHOLIA (2011), I was hooked.  The exquisite extreme slow motion movement is beautifully orchestrated by Wagner's Prelude to Tristan and Isolde.  We see a bride moving as roots tear at her feet, a mother clutching a child, a horse laying down all as two planets come hurtling toward one another to the inevitable end - the consumption of one planet by another.  It's only later that we learn the larger planet is Melancholia and it is headed toward Earth; because after this beautiful prologue we are thrust into the marriage of Justine (Kirsten Dunst) and Michael (Alexander Skarsgard)*.  Justine and Michael are late for the very elaborate reception being hosted by Justine's sister Claire (Charlotte Gainsbourg) and her husband John (Kiefer Sutherland).  As the evening rolls on, it's clear that Claire is hanging on by the thinnest of threads and Claire and John are frustrated by her reluctance to put on a good sh…

There Be Dragons

So we're one month in to 2012 and it's been kind of rough.  The election mudslinging has started early.  Long term relationships between non-profit organizations are threatened by political machinations.  Major companies pretend to support one lifestyle, cave when threatened by a PAC, then switch again when public opinion cows them.  It's going to be a long year.  I can see lots of unpopular ideas being promulgated and lots of "facts" being tossed around to prove one side or the other as right/wrong - good/bad.  And so I thought I'd make my position known and just refer anyone who wants to drag me into their battle to this post for the next several months.
Like Martin Luther King Jr., "I have the audacity to believe that peoples everywhere can have three meals a day for their bodies, education and culture for their minds, and dignity, equality and freedom for their spirits. I believe that what self-centered men have torn down men other-centered…