Skip to main content

Lent - Day 5

I was watching Big Love today and suddenly found myself sobbing.  This year, they have had Nicki dealing with being a mom to her teen-age daughter - a daughter she had when she was herself a teenager as a product of a forced marriage.  Nicki has been unable to separate her feeling about what happened to her from what she wants her daughter's life to be.  And when she discovers that the girl has had a sexual relationship with her math tutor, she loses all ability to be reasonable. 
She sits on her daughter's bed and tells her that she is horrible, that no one will ever love her, that she is evil and unworthy of love.  Of course, Nicki is actually talking to herself - but the cost will be that her daughter is now shamed and lost and messed up.  The show wants us to believe that with enough love the girl will be fine.  But I know better.
While she may never have sat on my bed and told me in words that I was unworthy of love and shameful and obviously evidence of a sexual relationship between middle aged people who should have known better; my mother certainly left me feeling that no amount of love will ever remove the shame of who I am.
I've tried to love myself enough - to believe in myself enough - but right now - there will never be enough. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

If you find yourself in the dark, all you can do is sit until your eyes adjust to the blackness.  I don't know who said that, but I sure do feel that way these days. Here's a little bit about me.  I was the seventh child born to my mother and father - and the last.  I was 7 years younger than the youngest and 19 years younger than the eldest.  My mother, who grew up in a family of actors, had started a little theatre group in our home town and after being away from it for so many years, she wasn't about to give it up again.  So I grew up in the theatre.  Played in make-up rooms and costume shops.  Learned how to read by helping actors study lines.  Learned how to build and paint by helping my dad build sets.  And I loved all of it. I loved the stories and the people and the way everyone came together to express ideas.  I still love it.  It's why I studied theatre in college and why I pursued an MFA.  Nothing gives me as much pleasure as taking words from a page and
Post a Comment
Read more

It just sucks...

You want to know what the worst part about moderate to severe depression? (using the clinical diagnosis here) It's knowing when those waves hit you that there is something or someone out there that you let get to you. In my case, it's usually a combination of things. I've got multiple projects coming to deadline at work - stress. I'm not sleeping very well because of allergies. I'm not eating like I should be. I'm getting my exercise - walking, yoga - which is a positive because that's usually the first thing to go. And so I'm vulnerable to those triggers and I know it. I avoid mr. ring on his finger 'cause that will just send me over the edge. But I can't keep him from coming onto my floor and sitting down at the cubicle next to me and talking to someone else. So I put on the headphones and hit play on Itunes and what do I get....love songs. Crap. And even he wouldn't get to me if the really big trigger hadn't been flipped jus
6 comments
Read more

Broken Thought Process Thurs...I mean Friday! Sept. 18

Well, here's my first thought of the day. What is so hard about making a decent cup of coffee? I've been drinking coffee for as long as I can remember. SERIOUSLY! My dad used to put coffee in my milk when I was a little girl, because I wouldn't, couldn't, still can't and won't drink plain milk. For years, I've searched for the perfect home brewing method. I hate making a pot at home for one or at the most two cups. I have a Senseo. It worked for about 3 months. Then it got clogged up and there's not enough pressure to push through the pods and get a good cup. Plus the time...I hate getting up in the morning and having to wait for the water to heat up until I can try and get a cup worth drinking....as I watch my bus go by. I don't want to spend money on espressos that I KNOW cost them like .75 to 1.00 and they are getting 3-4 bucks from me. I understand you have to figure in labor and overhead and blah, blah, blah. I used to try to explain
5 comments
Read more