Thursday, March 3, 2011

Why is it so hard?

I've become addicted to Adele.  This young woman has a voice that just melts my heart.  I've had her new CD for 3 days now and I have my favorite tracks.  Oh wait, they are all my favorite.  :)

Seriously though, her voice and lyrics just rip into me in a way that I haven't experienced musically for many years now.  But there is a down side to this joy. 

"I often think about where I went wrong.  The more I do, the less I know."  This is from "Don't You Remember"  a song that wonders why a lost love seems to have completely wiped her from his mind.  I wish I could say that I have no idea what this feels like.  But of course there is that one who seems to have forgotten not only why he loved me, but that he ever loved me at. 

And so then I move on to Set Fire to the Rain - "There's a side to you that I never knew, never knew.  All the things you said, they were never true, never true.  And the games you played, you would always win, always win."   This is that phase where you just rage at the stupidity of yourself - falling for one who so clearly didn't love YOU - the real YOU - the you that you wish, just once, someone could see as you see yourself, the best of you and the worst of you and they love you anyway.

I've wanted this for as long as I can remember.  To know, with absolutely no doubt in my mind, as those arms wrapped around me and those words were spoken to me...that it was really me who was being loved.  Nobody's perfect.  But just once to feel perfectly loved. 

Eventually, you have to let go and let them take it all - everything you gave them and everything you wanted to give - take it all with my love.   I dare you to let me love you.  I dare you to give me the chance to prove how worthy I am.  I know it's not easy to love me.  If I've learned one thing in 52 years, it's that I am a rare sort of bird.  I feel deeply.  I weep easily.  I laugh easily too.  I am small and fearful and petty and silly.  But I am also strong and wise and true and faithful.  If you have my love, you have it always.  Whatever I say or do - I will always love you.

"I heard that you found a girl.  That you're married now and you're settled down.  Guess she gave you things I couldn't do...I had hoped you'd see my face and be reminded that for me...it isn't over."



Great!  Now I've managed to cry my mascara all over my eyes.  I think I need to eat something and walk away from the coffee.  I guess I'm just finally willing to feel the pain all the way through.  How I've failed to be what he wanted - what any of them wanted.  But I have found a way to be me.  And it hurts all the way down...to want to have that person loved completely.

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