Skip to main content

Why is it so hard?

I've become addicted to Adele.  This young woman has a voice that just melts my heart.  I've had her new CD for 3 days now and I have my favorite tracks.  Oh wait, they are all my favorite.  :)

Seriously though, her voice and lyrics just rip into me in a way that I haven't experienced musically for many years now.  But there is a down side to this joy. 

"I often think about where I went wrong.  The more I do, the less I know."  This is from "Don't You Remember"  a song that wonders why a lost love seems to have completely wiped her from his mind.  I wish I could say that I have no idea what this feels like.  But of course there is that one who seems to have forgotten not only why he loved me, but that he ever loved me at. 

And so then I move on to Set Fire to the Rain - "There's a side to you that I never knew, never knew.  All the things you said, they were never true, never true.  And the games you played, you would always win, always win."   This is that phase where you just rage at the stupidity of yourself - falling for one who so clearly didn't love YOU - the real YOU - the you that you wish, just once, someone could see as you see yourself, the best of you and the worst of you and they love you anyway.

I've wanted this for as long as I can remember.  To know, with absolutely no doubt in my mind, as those arms wrapped around me and those words were spoken to me...that it was really me who was being loved.  Nobody's perfect.  But just once to feel perfectly loved. 

Eventually, you have to let go and let them take it all - everything you gave them and everything you wanted to give - take it all with my love.   I dare you to let me love you.  I dare you to give me the chance to prove how worthy I am.  I know it's not easy to love me.  If I've learned one thing in 52 years, it's that I am a rare sort of bird.  I feel deeply.  I weep easily.  I laugh easily too.  I am small and fearful and petty and silly.  But I am also strong and wise and true and faithful.  If you have my love, you have it always.  Whatever I say or do - I will always love you.

"I heard that you found a girl.  That you're married now and you're settled down.  Guess she gave you things I couldn't do...I had hoped you'd see my face and be reminded that for isn't over."

Great!  Now I've managed to cry my mascara all over my eyes.  I think I need to eat something and walk away from the coffee.  I guess I'm just finally willing to feel the pain all the way through.  How I've failed to be what he wanted - what any of them wanted.  But I have found a way to be me.  And it hurts all the way want to have that person loved completely.


Popular posts from this blog

A Good Man

Roger M Watt - April 8, 1914 - March 27, 1981

My father was a good man.  He was born in Oklahoma 98 years ago today.  He grew up during the First World War and the economic boom of the 20s.  When the bust happened, he moved to Los Angeles with his family.  In 1934, he met my mother at a Halloween Party.  He was 20, she was 15, and he was in love for life.  The raven haired, dark eyed beauty won his heart and his devotion. When my mother became bedridden with tuberculosis, he visited her every day, bringing her books from the library and news of the world.  They married on Father's Day in 1939. 
During the final years of the Second World War, my father was drafted into military service and left my mother with her parents - pregnant with their third child and my brother Jim and sister Judie.  He contracted malaria in the Philippines and spent most of his service in a hospital in Hawaii. 
On March 27, 1946 my parents and their three children moved to Grants Pass, Oregon.  This is w…

Movie Madness - MELANCHOLIA

From the opening moments of Lars VonTrier's latest film MELANCHOLIA (2011), I was hooked.  The exquisite extreme slow motion movement is beautifully orchestrated by Wagner's Prelude to Tristan and Isolde.  We see a bride moving as roots tear at her feet, a mother clutching a child, a horse laying down all as two planets come hurtling toward one another to the inevitable end - the consumption of one planet by another.  It's only later that we learn the larger planet is Melancholia and it is headed toward Earth; because after this beautiful prologue we are thrust into the marriage of Justine (Kirsten Dunst) and Michael (Alexander Skarsgard)*.  Justine and Michael are late for the very elaborate reception being hosted by Justine's sister Claire (Charlotte Gainsbourg) and her husband John (Kiefer Sutherland).  As the evening rolls on, it's clear that Claire is hanging on by the thinnest of threads and Claire and John are frustrated by her reluctance to put on a good sh…

There Be Dragons

So we're one month in to 2012 and it's been kind of rough.  The election mudslinging has started early.  Long term relationships between non-profit organizations are threatened by political machinations.  Major companies pretend to support one lifestyle, cave when threatened by a PAC, then switch again when public opinion cows them.  It's going to be a long year.  I can see lots of unpopular ideas being promulgated and lots of "facts" being tossed around to prove one side or the other as right/wrong - good/bad.  And so I thought I'd make my position known and just refer anyone who wants to drag me into their battle to this post for the next several months.
Like Martin Luther King Jr., "I have the audacity to believe that peoples everywhere can have three meals a day for their bodies, education and culture for their minds, and dignity, equality and freedom for their spirits. I believe that what self-centered men have torn down men other-centered…