Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Lent - Days 26 & 27

Yesterday was another fasting day for me.  This was a tougher one because I was more physically active yesterday than I am on the average work day.  First of all, when I was ready to go to work, the sun was up and the sky was light and it wasn't raining.  So for the first time in a long time, I walked the mile from my apartment to my workplace.  That felt great.  I miss my walks in the winter.  It's not that I'm a fair weather walker - but I have to cross Highway 99 on my walk to work.  And even with reflective wear, I've nearly been hit in the dark winter mornings.  So I have to settle for a bus ride.  I'm thrilled to know that spring may at last be pushing in and I can start walking again.
I was teaching yesterday - one of my favorite things at my job.  I wasn't hired to do this, but I developed this curriculum for the agency because bus drivers and mechanics and rail operators can't advance in the agency without some basic computer skills.  The classes are free to them and I cover basic office applications. I always have one or two people who are afraid to even touch a keyboard or a mouse and one or two manager/supervisor types just looking to get a refresher on their skills.   Yesterday morning was one of my favorites - PowerPoint.  I don't use it in my job, so it's my time to play.  And I enjoy seeing other people express their inner creativity.  Just getting to experiment with animations, sounds, and drawing tools gets them to relax and without realizing it, they've learned to mouse, to cut and paste, to format and to open, close and save files.
So I was on my feet all day and then I walked home.  Again, it wasn't raining and the sun was trying to shine!   By the time I got home, my feet hurt, my back hurt and my stomach was in an uproar!!   I downed about a quart of water, rested a bit and then I broke down and ate some strawberries that were about to go bad.
Semi successful fasting.   Today, I'm a little upset with myself that I couldn't hold out a few more hours.  And I'm more than a little cranky.  Not sure if I like this disquiet that is being stirred to life in me.  I'm trying to believe that it has purpose, that there is a greater lesson to be learned.  But right now, I feel like a huge failure - in just about every area of my life.  Strange how I can't let myself off the hook, how I can't have a wonderful day in which I helped about a dozen people feel better about who they are and what they can achieve, but I can't let myself have a small moment of pride about it. Why can't I embrace what is good in me and let the rest be?  Why do I always see where I fell short instead of where I succeeded beyond my own and others expectations?  Will I ever be able to celebrate who I am, who I was meant to be?

4 comments:

Bridgete said...

You might laugh when you read this...but...the next time I'm home (or you're here), will you teach ME how to do cool things with PowerPoint? :D

Bert said...

I love the good in you and that is all I see.

Jenn said...

Love you KC!

Jenn Flynn-Shon said...

There are definitely days when it is excruciatingly difficult to be a perfectionist. I can identify with so much of this you have no idea! But of course, I can give advice (that I don't take) all day. Sometimes I have to remind myself that 1) if I wake up in the morning and 2) the world hasn't come to an end due to my mistake then things went exactly like they were supposed to :-)