Wednesday, April 27, 2011

New Beginnings - or is it starting over?

Almost immediately after I posted my last blog, my car broke down again.  I stepped on the clutch pedal and "SNAP", just like the last time.  Only this time, the pedal did not come back up.  It was stuck to the floor and I was unable to shift at all.  Fortunately, it happened right outside my apartment and the repair shop is at the gas station across the street.  So I pushed it in and called them the next day to tell them what happened. They called me a little later to tell me that this time was the clutch cable and not anything that they fixed in January.  So it wasn't covered by warranty and I would now have to pay another 130.00.
I set the thought aside because I was leaving for a weekend trip with friends to attend the wedding of two other friends.  Lori and BC have been together for a couple of years.  And they are so perfect together.  I knew Lori only briefly before she started dating BC, so I had nothing to compare it too.  But whenever I have seen them together, they are always respectful, loving and kind to each other.
Off I went for a weekend adventure.  I had a fabulous time, in spite of my worries about money - how would I pay for the car repairs?  I didn't think about how much I was eating or drinking.  I danced and sang and talked and walked.  I soaked up the sun and huddled under blankets to keep away the cold.
My phone had no service and so I had no email, Facebook, or text messages, until Sunday. It was rather freeing to be able to ignore the real world.
But now the real world is back with a bang.  And I'm not very happy here.  Money worked out okay.  I didn't have to over extend myself, which is a good thing.  But I am still too close to the edge!
Today is supposed to be that weird day in which you show appreciation to your admin at work.  Which is what I am.  And apparently I am not appreciated.  It's not enough that I have to motivate myself to do the drudgery that is my job, it really pisses me off when I find that all my efforts are wasted as no one really notices or cares what I do anyway.  Until I don't do it of course.   So I'm feeling a little abused and ignored.
As if that wasn't enough to depress me - I saw pictures of myself from the wedding. I am HUGE!  I can't keep up this way.  Something has to change now.  Clearly little steps are not making a difference here.  Time to get aggressive and get back into shape.  I have tried my whole adult life to avoid food issues and rating my self worth by my body image, but this time I have to be honest.  I am heavier than I have ever been in my life.  Heavier than I was at 9 months pregnant with my 8lb 15oz. Bridgete.  I have about 5 things in my closet I can still wear.
So I'm stopping the sugar, giving up the carbs, no more wine or any alcohol.  And every single day I will walk, stretch, yoga, Pilates, something to shed the pounds and find the body that I can feel good about.  Do I expect to be able to all this immediately?  No.  But I did go 40 days without wine....and almost 20 days without bread.  I ought to be able to start, one by one, taking on the toxic foods and behaviors that have led me here.  Wish me luck.  If you don't hear from me, you'll know I lost it and drank and ate everything in my home. And because my life loves irony, I'll probably choke on a peanut m&m. 

4 comments:

Bert said...

It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop.
Confucius

I love you KC.

Bridgete said...

Well, I love you no matter what size you are...but I also want you to be healthy so I have you for a long time. So, do what you need to do, but take it one step at a time. I don't want you to lose it and end up choking on a peanut M&M.

XOXO

Jenn Flynn-Shon said...

Yes one step at a time is the only way to start any journey. A couple days ago I suddenly had something shift and snap inside my head and ever since I've been calmer, less erratic in my daily responsibilities and making time to workout. Not even sure what it was but something told me that my body was not happy with me on the inside and I had to fix it. I wish you lots of luck for success but you are a determined person and can do anything you set your mind to, Lent proved that my friend! ♥

Jenn Feeney said...

Love you KC! Extra lbs and all! You're beautiful to me, but I understand the desire to be a healthy weight. I know you can do anything you put your mind to, so go get it girl! And if you figure out an easy way, let me know, will ya? :)